Doug Brook

Writing • Theatre • Management • Education



"You can pray there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Zaide, we believe..."



Bubbe's Been Run Over By A Reindeer, a parody of a parody



Harry Plotzer and the Sanhedrin's Stone
Harry Plotzer and the Chamber of Shpilkus
Harry Plotzer and the Prisoner of Ashkenaz
Harry Plotzer and the Gabbai of Fire



Harry Plotzer, a limited parody series



Bava Gump – the long-lost, recently-discovered Mishnah tractate.
From the Talmudists who brought you Bava Metzia and Bava Batra.



Bava Gump, a recurring series



"Due to an unintended contractual obligation, we present a slightly different Ask the Rabbi feature..."



Ask the Rabbit, a recurring series



REAR PEW MIRROR ARCHIVE (1996-2020)

JEWISH HUMOR – IN BOOK, PODCAST, OR COLUMN





Rear Pew Mirror is...
... a back page featured column in Southern Jewish Life magazine, since 1996
... a podcast available on all major podcast platforms, since 2021
... a series of books containing selected columns, available in paperback or Kindle, published 2023 & 2024



The BOOKS



Two collections of columns, in Paperback & Kindle


BUY NOW @ AMAZON

THE PODCAST



Available on ALL Major Podcast Platforms


LISTEN ON SPOTIFY

THE COLUMN



Back Page Feature in Southern Jewish Life Magazine


READ IT BELOW

2020



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WAS THERE A 2020?


December 2020




Yes, Virginia, there was a 2020.


It existed as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist once again in spite of it, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy.


BREAKING JEWS


November 2020




This column is being written amid the continually breaking news on Election Night in America. By the time it’s read, nearly both of its readers will know more than is known at its time of writing, more or less. Or will they…


The following are Election Night predictions, guaranteed to provide one-hundred percent accurate aforementions about what will be to have happened by the time almost both readers read this.


PIECEFUL TRANSITION


October 2020




In this month’s exciting episode, the Bible demonstrates the universal necessity for peaceful transitions of leadership.


For the sake of avoiding an argument, a peaceful transition is one where, rather than crudely telling one’s successor where they can go, they amenably provide directions for how to get there along with instructions for cleaning the breakroom espresso machine.


BYE HOLY DAYS


September 2020




While November 3rd is popularly – as well as electorally – circled on calendars nationwide, so is December 31st. To find the last time when the end of a year was this eagerly anticipated by this many people, one must go all the way back to 2019.


But why wait four more months until next year? The Jewish calendar has a New Year’s Day much sooner, in September. In fact, it has two days of it, so there’s plenty to share.



THE TEN CORONAMANDMENTS


August 2020




Some believe that the revered, ancient Jewish texts aren’t relevant for contemporary issues. For example, a scrutinous look at the Ten Commandments reveals the most important safety tip since Egon Spengler said “don’t cross the streams.”


I am the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage, so wear a mask.


ZOOM GOLLY GOLLY


July 2020




Here in 2020, which is Aramaic for “the next ten plagues,” a new type of pioneer has emerged, exploring a new realm that is itself quite pivotal in keeping the Jewish people living long and prospering.


Since many sheltered people have too much time on their hands, it’s time to zoom in on these intrepid Israelites to see what they’re pioneering and how it’s working.


EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: GOD


June 2020




In the extraordinarily interesting times in which we live, there is extraordinary need for time spent not being livid.


With that in mind, this column presents the most exclusive interview with the least controversial character in creation, whether you prefer the Creation story in Genesis chapter one or two.


PHARAOHDENTIAL PRESS BRIEFING


May 2020




Today’s briefing of the Cairo Virus Task Force – so named because the group is based in Cairo – quickly devolved into a question and answer rally.


It was described by some as “spirited” in part because, thanks to the latest wave, by the end of the briefing several participants were no longer among the living.


THE RABBITIC ASSEMBLY


August 2019




Many moons ago, this column brought in a guest expert from the clergy to answer timely questions.


Due to a small contractual mishap, the world-renowned authority on Jewish law and custom was not quite as expected. Nevertheless, after a long absence, here’s the next installment of Ask the Rabbit.


FORTY YEAR GETAWAY


July 2019




SOMEWHERE IN THE SINAI DESERT – The boldest tourist attraction in the history of Israel, the Middle East, and perhaps the world is shutting down before welcoming a single guest.


“Let Your People Go” promised to be the most comprehensive, realistic re-enactment of the exodus from Egypt since the Bible itself. The brainchild of the Sheliach brothers, it was intended to provide an immersive experience for those who don’t get enough from the Passover seder, Shavuot celebration of the giving of the Torah, and eating in a Sukkah.



BURN DOWN THE MATRIARCHY


June 2019




For thousands of years, men have shouldered the requirement of many tasks that women were not obligated to do. Pray three times a day, wear tzitzit, and grow a beard. Men have a bris, women make brisket.


Men have to remember how to wrap tefilin straps without losing circulation. Women were free of many masculine obligations, which has stoked calls for greater gender equality today.


ONE GIANT STEP



May 2019




Israel recently became the fourth, and by far the smallest, nation to land a craft on the moon. It landed at a far greater velocity than planned, but it got there.


The cause of the Beresheet lander’s overly exuberant final approach is still under investigation.


Early indications are that the lander’s programming was impacted when its computer’s central intelligence agent was distracted by how consistently the worldwide media was mispronouncing its name.


2018



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BLACK EREV SHABBAT


December 2018




The recently discovered Mishnah tractate Bava Gump suggests a Chanukah shopping guide for all your favorite ancestors from before the oil lasted for even one day.


So, get some plutonium for your flux capacitor and borrow Tommy Charles’ DeLorean. Faster than you can spin a dreidel, you can go back in time and deliver these timeless Chanukah gifts to generations of Jews who don’t know a Chanuka from a Konika Minolta.


THE BIG FISH STORY


November 2018




The dwindling gefilte fishing industry suffers from all the challenges of the fishing industry in general: rising expenses, climate change, piracy, people who don’t believe in climate change or piracy, and there not being enough soap on the planet that can make them smell unfishy when they get home each night.


THE GAME'S THE THING


October 2018




Thus, the Bard meant, “the game’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of The King.”


What’s more, he originally meant this as an introduction to a monumental – some would say game changing – new look at the Exodus from Egypt.


This perspective takes a saga that crosses not only nations, generations, and religions, but also leagues and divisions.


TAPPING ON THE BREX


September 2018




JERUSALEM, ISRAEL – An earthshaking announcement has ensured that the Middle East will never look the same again.


After years, nay millennia, of intercultural conflict causing countless casualties and anathematic alliteration, the Land of Israel has decided: “no more.”


Not the State of Israel. Not the Palestinians. Not the Christians, Muslims, or Jews. Not the egalitarians, non-egalitarians, or Rotarians. The land itself.


HOLD YOUR BREATH FOR SHABBAT



August 2018




One of the more notorious Shabbat restrictions is against making fire. This translates into modern times as not using electricity and in any way honoring Jim Morrison’s request to light his fire.


Bar Seegnal extrapolated this to include another restriction: on Shabbat, one cannot create carbon dioxide.


RAV N YUD


July 2018




Over one thousand years ago, a renegade traversed the left side of the roads throughout the Lower East Midlands of England.


He helped the poor through selfless deeds of kindness, and helped enrich the rich by reapportioning their riches to the masses. While he was innocent of any crime, guilt was involved. This was none other than the soon-to-be legendary Rav N Yud.


Throughout the shires of several counties, people knew if Rav N Yud had been there because he’d leave behind a purse with a few pounds in it, and a few pounds of brisket and gefilte fish.


FIDDLING AROUND


June 2018




​In 2013, I got to play Tevye in “Fiddler on the Roof” for five weeks. For both of you intellectuals out there, I worked in a few Seder Eggs (aka kosher Easter Eggs) that subtly complemented this musical adaptation of Sholem Aleichem’s classic stories.


I wasn’t interested in doing things for mere effect. It’s hard to hear (or notice) audience reactions up there unless they’re big ones. At least, for me it is. The purpose was just to sprinkle a little more fun yiddishkeit into a play already steeped in it.


SHALOM BUY IT


May 2018




Jewish matrimonial tradition includes a concept called Shalom Bayit. Literally “peace of the house,” it is one of the key ingredients of a strong marriage right up there with separate dishes for dairy, meat, and when he forgot to take out the trash.


And what better way to ensure Shalom Bayit than with these marvelous, rare gift items? Just in time for the Shavuot shopping season, they can be yours just as quickly as you can click “Bid” and secure a second mortgage.


2017



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GAMES OF THE FIRST MACCABIAD


August 2017





The Games of the First Maccabiad were held many centuries ago, several years before ancient times.


They pre-dated the more commonly publicized Olympic Games which, like many a successful venture in the modern world, stood on the shoulders of someone else’s good idea and ultimately becoming better known than its originator.


WHERE ARE THEY NOW?


July 2017





When listening to a Torah reading or Haftarah, one question inevitably arises: What’s for lunch?


During the longest, most interminable part of the service – announcements – the most significant question of the day at last traverses between brain cells: Where are they now?


For parents, this question is usually about their children. But this column pretends that they’re wondering about the people mentioned in the Torah or Haftarah readings.


This year’s “Where are they now” feature explores this question regarding several oft-forgotten souls from the oft-forgotten past whose tales are told starting in the dog days of spring.



[TITLE OF TORAH]



June 2017




As Christopher Marlowe once wrote, under his more famous nom de plume, “what’s in a title?”


This begs the question, whether that which we call a Torah, by any other title, would scroll as sweet. The Torah is known by many titles that have confounded handfuls of individuals for nearly five paragraphs of this column.


IN A NAME


May 2017




The Jewish people have been called many things over the years. The one constant, however, has been the appellation “Jewish.”


This particular name-calling begs the question, why the hesitation? After all, “-ish” is usually a suffix of approximation or uncertainty. “We’ll be there at six-ish.” “His hair was sort of gray-ish.” “I’m thinking about trying the swordfish.”


For decades, there have been debates about Jewish identity. Perhaps the uncertainty comes from the people’s uncertain name itself. Or maybe the name came along to fit the people.


TAKING THE CHELM


April 2017





Soon after The Beginning, as the story goes, the Big G sent out an angel with two sacks. One full of wisdom, one full of foolishness. The mission: to spread them both equally throughout the world.


However, the bag of foolishness was heavier and tore, depositing all the foolishness into one place. It was the village of Chelm.


Long before Neil Simon decided to write a play inspired by their stories – it was Fools, which premiered in 1981 – the wise men of Chelm were the fodder of folktales for generations of Eastern European Jews.


ESTHERNATIVE FACTS


March 2017





The Achashverosh administration today issued an executive order taking unprecedented, unilateral action against a specifically targeted minority population.


According to multiple sources, who requested anonymity because they’re not authorized to speak, the administration has determined that the Jewish people are a threat to sovereign security.


ENTERPRISING JEWS


February 2017




Space… the final shpatzir… to boldly go where no minyan’s gone before…


Judaism has a long history in the future of reaching for the stars. The Vulcan salute from Star Trek is famously adapted from Judaism. Many writers for the original series were Jewish. And there are the actors.


INAUGURAL UNDRESS


January 2017




Before (or instead of) witnessing this month unfurling, it’s far more interesting to uncover the first things said by many Jewish leaders from biblical times.


Why? Because history is fun, and immune to any misinterpretation, debate, misplacement, or revision.


These selections aren’t their first words. Their initial utterings of “mama” or “matzah” were not recorded, in part because nobody had batteries for their tape recorders. They also didn’t have tape recorders.


2016



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FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY, STING MACCABEE


December 2016




Translation is a tricky business. Even in the hands of the masters – Kenneth Branagh reciting Shakespeare, or Barbara Billingsley speaking Jive – it can be a challenge to understand even things that closely resemble the English we all know and mangle.


Religious texts are no exception. For example, imagine the impact of the recent discovery by religious scholars that biblical Hebrew was actually written from right to left. It will change the meaning of everything.


LUCK OF THE JEWISH


November 2016




Welcome to the year 5777 – the luckiest year in the Jewish calendar in the next thousand years, and in the last thousand. Given the history of the Jewish people, the ratio of one lucky year out of every 1999 is about right. Seven is a widely held lucky number.


Of course, Judaism can’t have just one answer to anything, so it has many important numbers, which could potentially be considered lucky: 7, 10, 13, 18, 40, 120, 1969, and 867-5309.


HIGH HOLY DAYS – IN 700 WORDS


October 2016




The High Holy Days are about two things: Long services, and longer lists – about tense subjects… past and future.


We recount the things we’ve done wrong, and wish well upon ourselves. Ironically, we don’t say anything about the things we have done or will do right.


As your mind wanders during services, ponder that as well as the following…


HAZZAN PEPPER'S LONELY COLUMN BANNED


September 2016




It was twenty years ago today
Southern Shofar let this column play
It’s been going on without no style
And no guarantee to raise a smile
So, may I impose on to you
The hack you’ve read for all these years…
Hazzan Pepper’s Lonely Column Banned!


We’re Hazzan Pepper’s Lonely Column Banned
We hope you will enjoy the prose
Hazzan Pepper’s Lonely Column Banned
​ Sit back and let your good taste go...


HALFWAY THERE


August 2016




Many things in Jewish history took forty years. Sometimes forty days. Whether days or years, twenty was the halfway point.


Where were the Israelites twenty years into their forty-year nature walk through the Sinai? Up the creek, without a paddle. Or water. Or a boat.


Where was Noah twenty days into his forty day Celebrity Cruise? Lost at sea. Desperately trying to invent the air freshener. Breeding gefilte for future generations, because he’d gotten tired of all other seafood.


THE LONG AND SPORT OF IT


July 2016




Later this year will mark the twentieth anniversary of this column. Leading up to that momentous moment, a short series of columns are revisiting tidbits from over the years.


This month’s column, with apologies to Airplane!, provides more about Jewish sports than a leaflet on famous Jewish sports legends, with a timely focus on baseball and the Olympics.


RABBINIC REVELATIONS


June 2016




Later this year will mark the twentieth anniversary of this column. Leading up to that momentous event, a short series of columns are revisiting tidbits from over the years.


This month’s column provides snippets of Jewish teachings from various lesser-known rabbinic sources.


PICTURES SAY A THOUSAND WORDS


May 2016




Later this year will mark the twentieth anniversary of this column. Leading up to that momentous event, a short series of columns are revisiting tidbits from over the years.


This month’s column provides excerpts from the original Jewish sources upon which were based numerous well-known films and other pieces in popular culture.


PASSING OVER PAST PASSOVERS


April 2016




Later this year will mark the twentieth anniversary of this column. Leading up to that momentous event, the next few columns will revisit timely tidbits from over the years.


(1997, “The Crumbiest Holiday of the Year”)


To learn why Passover is a crumby holiday, look no further than between the pages of a well-used Haggadah."


O-U MUST BE KIDDING


March 2016




Editor’s Note: Reading of this column could result in spontaneous giggling, impaired sensory acuity, and a case of munchitis malignis (aka “the munchies”). Do not work with heavy machinery after reading this column, unless for the purpose of throwing it at the writer.


Earlier this year, the Orthodox Union made news by certifying the world’s first kosher marijuana.


TEN LITTLE EXODUS


February 2016




Where we’re at in Torah puts us in the mood, To share the rhyme’s real origin, straight from the Talmud.


One’s about the plagues, with commandments added then, Each contained in their own list, adding up to ten.


Now, wait no more to read them, for here they all are, Hopefully you will not think they have gone too far.


FROM THE PUBLISHER


January 2016




Thank you once again for allowing us the opportunity to publish your first book, Genesis. We’re certain it will be a bestseller for years to come.


As you start work on your second book, we’d like to give you some constructive feedback regarding your first work, in the hopes that you’ll address these minor matters in the final installment of your planned two-book series.


2015



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BY ANY OTHER NUMBER


December 2015




When Judaism gets self-interested in numbers – outside of accounting offices – it often circles around certain Greatest Hits numbers. Almost several of you can name numerous significances attached to seven, ten, twelve, thirteen, eighteen, forty, seventy, one hundred twenty, and 1969 (#LetsGoMets).


JEW'S LINE IS IT ANYWAY?


November 2015




Welcome to “Jew’s Line is it Anyway,” the game where, like Midrash, everything is made up and, come Yom Kippur, the points don’t matter. Yes, they matter as much as Jimmy Carter at a pro-Israel rally.


Four performers make up everything you see, right on the spot, like some Torah readers on Shabbat morning. Everything they do is based on suggestions from the congregation and what’s written on cards that they’ve never seen before.



TRICK OR TORAH


October 2015




Halloween dates back over two thousand years. The ancient Celtics, just before Larry Bird started to play, celebrated their new year at the start of November – a compromise between Rosh Hashanah and the secular new year so popular today. They believed the night before was inhabited by ghosts, some of which would cause mischief. But the dilemma for Jews has been a constant: What to do on this Hallow’s Eve? Especially when it coincides with Shabbat.


HANUKIPPUR


September 2015




According to the recently discovered Mishnah tractate Bava Gump, there once was a proposal for a merged holiday. Yom Kippur was deemed too dreary to survive, and Hanukah too festive and cheerful to be truly Jewish. Thus, there would be the hybrid holiday of Hanukippur: The Festival of Light Atonement.


RITUAL LOGIC


April 2015




Mount Seleya, Vulcan – In light of recent events, the Vulcan High Council has finally consented to consider whether the Terran Jewish custom of saying Kaddish is logical.


Why would the Vulcans care about a ritual from Earth, especially one that is specifically Jewish? Some Vulcan scholars have found Judaism fascinating ever since discovering that the time-honored Vulcan salute is identical to a hand gesture used by the Jewish high priest during priestly benedictions.


THE TEN AMENDMENTS


March 2015




In the beginning, the Big G created heaven and earth. It went downhill from there.


Since that fateful evening and morning, history has been replete with historic events. Some of them good, some of them bad – which ones were which depends on who you ask, and when.


Commandments were issued, and summarily broken. Miracles were wrought, and other prayers went for naught. The Mets won the World Series, and Barry M*nilow released his first album.


MURDER OF THE FIRST


February 2015




It was a morning like any other morning, except that it wasn’t.


There hadn’t been that many mornings yet. And nothing like this had ever happened.


When I arrived, there was a man. Lying alone in the field, motionless. What brought me here? His blood was crying out from the soil. Once, he was a shepherd. Now, he’s the first murder victim.


21ST CENTURY RELIGION


January 2015




How can one compare Luke Skywalker to Moses? Easily: Moses was taller. (Also, frankly, both had their moments of whining early on.)


But this is not to say that Moses carried a lightsaber or that Luke operated under divine providence.


This is not to say that Moses used The Force to part the Sea of Reeds – though that would be pretty awesome. (Disclaimer: As of this writing, this columnist has not yet seen “Exodus: Gods and Kings.”)


2014



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MASCOTS UNMASKED


December 2014




Easter has an egg-laying bunny. Thanksgiving has a turkey, a turducken, a group of Lions losing, and – if you wake up early enough – a large, helium-inflated hedgehog. Christmas has reindeer, jolly Saint Nick, and Geoffrey the Toys R Us giraffe.


What do the Jewish holidays have? Services.


But wait. For the first – and last – time ever, the long lost, recently discovered Mishnah tractate Bava Gump reveals the animal mascots designated for the Jewish holidays.


I'M NOT JEWISH



November 2014




I don’t eat lox.


Need more proof than that? That alone is often enough to make people take their bagel and go home.


REBBE WAN KENOBI – AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW


October 2014




A short time ago, in a Starbucks not far, far away…


…it was realized that Starbuck, being a central character in Battlestar Galactica, was causing a mixing of franchises. So, the short time ago moved to a Peet’s, slightly less far, far away...


… where the elder statesman of an iconic franchise, Obi-Wan Kenobi, sat down for a cup of coffee, and for a major revelation…


THIS IS YOUR CHAI


September 2014




In the beginning, there was a question.


It was a warm, sunny, summer Shabbat morning, when an unsuspecting woman was approached in a synagogue parking lot, and asked the question that would launch a thousand quips.


“Do you think you know four Rabbis who would prefer people sleeping through the sermon, rather than talking during it?” She said, “probably.” From that came the headline, “Rabbis prefer sleeping during sermon.”


HAGGIS SAMEACH


April 2014




This year, Robert Burns Day coincided with a Saturday night. What’s more, it fell on the Saturday night when a particular synagogue held its annual fundraising gala that, accordingly, was done with a Scottish theme. (Yes, Virginia, there are Scottish Jews. At least two of them.)


This synagogue spectacle, which could only be described as a celebration of Robert Burnstein Day (though it wasn’t), started off with a traditional blessing of the kosher haggis.


THE CAT MITZVAH SPEECH, REVISITED


March 2014




Today I become a Cat Mitzvah. That means many things, not the least of which is that there’s kosher pate imported from Paris at the Kiddush after services.


While I look forward to Purrim, the holiday celebrating the story of Esther in Purrsia, which is just a few weeks away, I should first talk more about today and its significance to me and therefore to you.


THE HOLY HAT TRICK


February 2014




This February 1st was not only Rosh Chodesh February, but also Rosh Chodesh Adar – on the same day!


Despite its obviously superior importance, both theologically and culturally, some people don’t even realize this winter blessing is happening.


One can conclude only that the media is too exhausted after its overly extensive coverage of Thanksnukah, and its underly extensive coverage of Kol Nidre the 13th.


FLECTING AGAIN


January 2014




As we begin a new year, and recover from the requisite hangover, it’s time to reminisce on years past with solemnity, humility, and perhaps a fleeting tinge of regret.


But when you get sick of doing that, read these highlights of recent years that also ended in four. For example…


2013



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PARCHED PIGSKIN


December 2013




I recently observed that the only thing I find more difficult to explain than real college football is the details of Torah reading.


Therefore, it seemed like a logical first step might be to explain Torah reading in the context of college football.


After all, college football and the reading of the Torah combine to be central to most people’s Saturday prayers.


I'M NOT JEWISH



November 2013




But before regaling you with tales of Tevye, Sholem Aleichem, or fiddlers on hot tin roofs, first a brief explanation why this column is contradicting the popular demand from nearly a couple of you, by declining to provide the ultimate comedic take on Thanksnukah.


Why decline? Too many reasons. First of all, half of the free world has already written about Thanksnukah, or at least invested time in trying to determine how to spell it.


REGIFTING HOLIDAYS


October 2013




Chanukah gift giving arose soon after Christmas became a national American holiday in the late 1800s. This is one example of how religious practices periodically shift, sometimes to match the world at large.


So, what would happen if gift giving were to shift again? This time from Chanukah to another Jewish holiday?


Or, to ask it another way, what would Jewish gift giving look like if Christmas had fallen near a different calendar milestone in the first place?


KOL NIDRE THE 13TH, PART 13



September 2013




The last time Kol Nidre fell on Friday the 13th was October, 1967. The next time will be October, 2062.


2013 is the first Kol Nidre on Friday the 13th in September since 1861 – which doesn’t happen again for at least another thousand years, if ever.


Since the founding of the United States, and for at least the next millennium, Kol Nidre on Friday the 13th has never, and will never, occur during a “13” year… Except now…


SINE OF THE TIMES


August 2013




However, the recently discovered Mishnah tractate Bava Gump makes clear that Deuteronomy was not alone.


There was another book, a “third law,” which was ultimately omitted from the Torah and considered to be more complex and incomprehensible than the rest of the Bible.


This third book is, of course, the Book of Trigonometry.


THE OYNION: PEELING THE LAYERS


July 2013




Beth Bayit’s longtime rabbi, Robert Rosen-Rosen, was taken into custody charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor by providing him with alcohol. The arresting officers were optimistic that the charge would stick because of the quantity of witnesses.


Trying to dismiss the issue, the rabbi told officers that he had been doing this for years, leading officers to consider adding counts to the charge for every bar or bat mitzvah that Rosen-Rosen had officiated since arriving in Santa Rivkala. They believed the statute of limitations would not apply because Jews do not worship idols.


THE WAY TO EDEN


June 2013




For many millennia, and for several seasons of “I Dream of Jeannie,” many men have yearned to find their way to Eden.


Here, for the first time, are details of the amenities and features for vacationing in The Garden of Eden.


WHERE YOU HANG YOUR KIPPAH


May 2013




As almost both of you know, there are 150 Psalms in the Bible. Their authorship is commonly ascribed to King David, primarily because scholars initially misheard “father of Solomon” as “father of Psalms, man.”


While that debate rages on, recent evidence has confirmed that King David was the actual author behind several of the works commonly credited to William Shakespeare. Findings include the original holiday-based play, “Eighth Night or, Oh, You Oil,” and the play originally about the complaints of Jewish mothers-in-law, “Much Ado About Nothing.”


PUROVER II: THE SEARCH FOR MORE


April 2013




Nonetheless, as a result of the court ruling U.S. versus Fishbein, because Passover intruded into Purim’s usual space in March, Purim is entitled to intrude into Passover’s usual space in April. And to ten thousand dollars worth of airline tickets.


They have some similarities, however. On Purim we are commanded to drink until we can no longer tell the good guy from the bad guy. On Passover we are commanded to drink four glasses of wine, after which we can no longer tell the good wine from the kosher wine.


PUROVER


March 2013




Because Passover will arrive in Purim’s usual month, this year’s March column covers both Passover and Purim by uncovering new truths about them both.


If the early arrival of Passover this year makes it seem like your Seder is out of order, know that you had fair warning. It was predicted by Punxsutawney Phil, who, on February 2nd, did not see his shadow because the passing Streit’s truck – itself well ahead of schedule – was blocking the sunlight.


NOT WHAT THEY SIMCHA


February 2013




Jewish celebrations are renowned for one thing above all else. But what’s all that food doing there in the first place? Aside from getting cold – or warm, if it’s supposed to be cold – during the sermon?


A SIP OF GOSSIP


January 2013




by L. Shaun Harrah


Almost every household has embraced the tablets craze, so it’s time to put our ear to the ground in this biblical era and satisfy your cravings for dirt with our latest carvings.


2012



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FELIZ CHANUKAH


December 2012




‘tis the season to wonder how many people realize that the Festival of Lights is actually Chanukah and not Christmas.


Jews try all kinds of things this time of year, though it’s sometimes hard to tell if they’re trying to blend in or failing to make a distinction.


DECISION: 5773


November 2012




Near the beginning, Adam was created with the freedom to choose. He chose to take a nap, lost a rib, lost his solitude, lost his freedom to choose, and found the unavoidable freedom to experience the consequences of choosing.


The history of humanity is that people are instilled with the inherent potential to have the freedom to choose. Of course, this has depended widely on factors such as whether one person chooses that another does not get to choose, and so on.


THE SOUND OF JEWSIC


October 2012




At this time of year, the hills have just finished being alive with the sound of shofar music. As the echo fades, the traditional season for viewing “The Sound of Music” approaches, because what’s more festive and appropriate for the Thanksgiving and Christmas season than a family being chased from Austria by pre-WWII Nazis?


Aside from being a lovely story about family, “The Sound of Music” has almost several Jewish aspects to it. You just have to really want to see them. So, let this column be your eyeglasses, and take a look at the heretofore or five unobserved Jewish aspects of this classic musical.


THE PENANCE RACE


September 2012




To help Jews remember this month-long sprint to penance, the Big G created baseball's race to the pennants.



2012 (continued)





  • ​Forty Days and Forty Years - August, 2012
  • "The number forty is ubiquitous in Judaism. From Noah needing an umbrella for forty days, to the Israelites needing forty years of sunblock in the Sinai, or Irving Caesar writing the lyric 'Tea for Two (and Two Forty)...'"
  • Never the Twain Shall Meet - July, 2012
    "Did Twain write any other works of Jewish relevance? Our investigative mole recently uncovered first drafts of numerous Twain writings, all of which exhibit a surprisingly Jewish bent."
  • The Rest of the Storah - June, 2012
    "'In the beginning, the Big G created the heavens and the earth.' Now, Genesis 1:0 answers the centuries-old question of why, saying, 'Because it seemed like a good idea at the time...'"
  • Omer's Odyssey - May, 2012
    "What is the real origin of the Omer? Homer wrote The Odyssey about a years-long journey to his homeland after prolonged struggling..."
  • Matzah Matter For You - April, 2012
    "How do Italian Jews eat during Passover? The kids can never get enough of their Matzaroni and Cheese... others can indulge in a favorite from Talmudic times, Meatball Matzanara."
  • A Schmo By Any Other Name - March, 2012
    "People have been calling Jews names since the start of time... It goes all the way back to (six days after) The Beginning."
  • Crazy Etz - February, 2012
    "The rabbis in the Talmud knew how to party. The fourth New Year is Tu B'Shevat, the New Year for Trees."
  • Eire Today, Gaon Tomorrow - January, 2012
    "Most people expect the history of Jews in Ireland to be even less substantial than the leaflet on famous Jewish sports legends in "Airplane!"."


2011





  • Horsing Around with Seuss - December, 2011
    "'twas the Grinch who stole Christmas, yet all through the house, Not a word about Chanukah... that is not til nowse."
  • If the Shoe Fits, Chafetz - November, 2011
    "The Second Temple was the one destroyed in 70 C.E. at the start of The Great Exile -- the centuries-long expulsion of the Cubs from winning the World Series."
  • The Low Holy Days - October, 2011
    "'Ki' is Hebrew for 'because.' Therefore, 'kippur' literally means 'because we were poor,' or more aptly, 'because we acted poorly.'"
  • Turning a Kippah Trick - September, 2011
    "For the Giants, newly acquired (and former Met) second baseman Jeff Keppinger used his keppie to single in the fourth and eventually score."
  • The Other Set of Dishes - August, 2011
    "While the kids might quickly get enough of Spaghetti and Matzah Balls, they'll always beg for more Macaroons and Cheese."
  • Harry Plotzer and the Gabbai of Fire - July, 2011, extra
    "Harry turns fourteen and is invited to the greatest worldwide athletic event for mystics and kabbalists: The Kidditsch Cup."
  • Legislating Cutbacks - July, 2011
    "Circumcision is the most widely performed medical procedure nationwide. Not only is it as safe as any other procedure, it's a cut above the rest."
  • Sibling Revelry - June, 2011
    "Hinei Mah Tov's notion of sibling serenity is based on a recurring theme in the Torah. (Isn't it?)"
  • One Goat, Many Goats - May, 2011
    "As reported at the end of the Seder, numerous, bizarre events by a series of perpetrators lead all the way to the top."
  • The Passover Satyr Play - April, 2011
    "In his play, Never Enough For Us, playwright Chad Gadiah combines the satyr play form and the time-honored Passover Seder."
  • The Year of the Rabbi - March, 2011
    "The Year of the Rabbi... the Jewish progenitor of the Chinese Year of the Rabbit."
  • The Forty Year Itch - February, 2011
    "Moses, I have given you the silica of the desert, from which you might fashion a GPS."
  • Survival of the Yiddest - January, 2011
    ​"It's not like Jews today don't go to the gym. Well, not today. But definitely tomorrow."


2010





  • Emptycember - December, 2010
    "This year, Chanukah is over faster than you can say 'leftover turkey.'"
  • Chanukopia - November, 2010
    "Chanukah is based on the book of Maccabees, known for its Maccabre humor."
  • The Chosen Game - October, 2010
    "'In the big inning, the Big G created heaven and earth.'"
  • Harry Plotzer and the Prisoner of Ashkenaz - September, 2010, extra
    "Harry ran away to Diyainu Alley, a small, hidden kabbalist realm. It wasn't much, but they'd say, 'it's enough for us.'"
  • The Day of Aarrrtonement - September, 2010
    "Yom Kippur, when before Yom Pirate, is the day when we're either sealed in the Book of Life or walking the plank."
  • The Kosher Package - August, 2010
    "Only a matter of time before automobiles ran head-on into the laws of kashrut."
  • Lox, stock, and barrel - July, 2010
    "A significant issue regarding women's health... often overlooked... is dating."
  • El Alia - June, 2010
    "Three new Jewish airlines: Yiddish Airways, JewBlue, and JetJew."
  • Pig Hebrew - May, 2010
    "Pig Hebrew's origins are difficult to trace, mainly because the letters are so oddly shaped that tracing them is very difficult."
  • Seder Masochism - April, 2010
    "Statistically speaking, you're complaining about either preparing a seder or sitting through one. Or both."
  • Bris Mitzvah - March, 2010
    "Jewish parents have sought a new realm in which to exercise their party planning contractiles."
  • Jewish Hoopla - February, 2010, Facebook extra
    "(Casspi) violating the Seventh Commandment at midcourt in stealing the ball and driving for a layup."
  • Retiring Benefits - February, 2010
    "After thirty-nine years in the desert, Medicare and Social Security have both run out of money."
  • The Cat Mitzvah Speech - January, 2010
    "There's kosher pate imported from Paris at the Kiddush after services."


2009







2008





  • Mergers and acquisitions - December, 2008 (2)
    "To consolidate seasonal spending and celebration: Chrisnukah"
  • Original gifts - December, 2008
    "The popular gifts for one of the earliest celebrations of Chanukah..."
  • Proscription refill - November, 2008 (2)
    "Moses went up Mount Sinai where the Big G said, 'Take two, and call me every morning.'"
  • Electicity - November, 2008
    "Some Jews do vote Republican. I've met both of them."
  • Marital blitz - October, 2008
    "A Jewish wedding is about two people: the bride, and the bride."
  • Yomtober - September, 2008 (2)
    "...when both Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur occur in the month of October"
  • Jewish Heritage Night and Day - September, 2008
    "Bonus coverage of Jewish Heritage Day at Shea Stadium"
  • The Chosen Game - August, 2008
    "Stealing bases is not allowed. After all, 'thou shalt not steal.'"
  • Olympic predictions - July, 2008 (2)
    "What sport is more appropriate for Israel than Judo?"
  • The Bible 2.0 - July, 2008
    "Three weeks into the exodus, the Israelites contacted technical support."
  • The house that Ruth built - June, 2008
    "Almost several of you have read the Book of Ruth."
  • Canaan Able - May, 2008 (2)
    "Red Sea Travel announces a special getaway offer."
  • Hot dogging holidays - May, 2008
    "What animal has the biggest role in the Exodus story?"
  • Performance Enhancers II - Back For More - February, 2008
    "Torah readers everywhere are using performance enhancers in services at alarming rates."


2007





  • Performance Enhancers I - Back Then - December, 2007
    "Suspected performance enhancement users dating back a few years more than the published report."
  • Gelt trip - November, 2007
    "Passover was originally intended to fall in December, not April."
  • Bard mitzvah - October, 2007
    "Welcome to this morning's Bard Mitzvah celebration."
  • Warning labels - September, 2007 (2)
    "...traditional Jewish documents... account for the risks..."
  • Aquaholics Anonymous - September, 2007
    "What are Jews addicted to?"
  • Shofar, so good - August, 2007
    "...a Rally Rabbi bobblehead doll..."
  • Day of Morning - July, 2007
    "...a Jewish holiday lost in time: the Day of Morning."
  • Sea of Red - May, 2007 (2)
    "Dear Moses, Thank you for your submittal to our publishing house..."
  • Where you can go - May, 2007
    "If you're lucky, they're talking about summer travel."
  • The Seder Code - April, 2007
    "...where the true numerology of Passover is explored."
  • National Signing Day - February, 2007 (2)
    "As reported on ravals.com, every seminary and university received pivotal acceptances..."
  • A Senior Moment - February, 2007
    "...an exclusive interview with the first forefather, Abraham."


2006





  • Broken News - Iran Conference Causes Concern - December, 2006 (2)
    "Iran announced... a gathering to examine whether the creation of the world took place."
  • The Buyble says - December, 2006
    "Welcome to the 2006 holiday season."
  • The things we do - November, 2006 (2)
    Ask the Rabbit: "I wonder how much we Jews learn about the things we do."
  • Voting early - November, 2006
    "The Torah does not describe any elections... but there were elections from the beginning."
  • The Good Book - October, 2006 (2)
    "Jewish Book Month, when we place bets in remembrance of the long odds that Jews have survived."
  • Rebbe at the Bat (Mitzvah) - October, 2006
    "The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Mudville nine that day,
    The minyan score was nine, they needed one man more to pray."
  • The dog vays of summer - September, 2006
    "In the finest Torah tradition, my seat was row 6, seat 13."
  • To a city near Jew - August, 2006 (2)
    "Using Google Trends you can search for statistics on web searches..."
  • Sermoncision - August, 2006
    "Ten years ago this month, this column first appeared in The Southern Shofar..."
  • If Jews created spam - July, 2006
    "Imagine a world where Jews created spam..."
  • Is your mom a JMom? - May, 2006
    "JDate is running a contest in honor of the ancient holiday, Yom Imah (Mother's Day)."
  • Kadima moves forward - April, 2006
    "The Kadima party has seen its election victory challenged by Kadima, the middle school youth group."
  • A Valentine's Day massacre - January, 2006
    "...the true origins of the original February 14th event, Reb Wallenstein's Day."


2005





  • Bava Who? - December, 2005 (2)
    "...the origin of the oft-cited, recently discovered (Mishnah) tractate, Bava Gump."
  • Changing direction - December, 2005
    "This is about the direction in which Hebrew has always been read. Until now."
  • Harry Plotzer and the Chamber of Shpilkus - November, 2005 (2)
    "Harry's first summer after his first year at Hogschwartz was a lonely time."
  • Episode V: The Empire Shries Back - November, 2005
    "'There you will learn from Yona, the Rabbi Master who instructed me.'"
  • Holy reading high - October, 2005
    "Good fortune chose to snicker at me during Rosh Hashanah this year. And I hate Snickers."
  • High Holy Daze - September, 2005
    "...a secret new push in the Cannabis movement: liturgical marijuana."
  • Bubbe, You Can Drive My Car - August, 2005 (2)
    "What it would be like if Jews controlled Detroit the way we control Hollywood."
  • Orthodox outsourcing - August, 2005
    "It is inevitable that trends in the business world have an eventual impact on religion."
  • Harry Plotzer and the Sanhedrin's Stone - July, 2005
    "Harry Plotzer was far from a perfectly normal boy... 'Harry, you're a kabbalist.'"
  • No Stone Unturned - June, 2005 (2)
    "Jews have been around since the Stone Age... led by Gurb, the Caveman Rabbi."
  • Congraduations - June, 2005
    "I stand before you with valor to dictate..."
  • Episode IV: A New Trope - May, 2005 (2)
    "'A young rabbi named Dark Lainer, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, betrayed and murdered your father's music.'"
  • Turn down the stereotype - May, 2005
    "We are here to explore the many, many, many common stereotypes against Jews."
  • ManiSchoveThiz - April, 2005
    "Rogov's Guide rates over one thousand Israeli wines. This begs the question, 'there's over one thousand Israeli wines?'"
  • A Purrim Tail - March, 2005 (2)
    "Achashverosh ruled over all of the Persians... He reigned like cats, not dogs."
  • Tzom Improvement - March, 2005
    "'Does everybody know what time it is?' 'Shul Time!'"
  • State of the Rite - February, 2005
    "Today I become a bar mitzvah. No, I don't become the actual ceremony itself..."
  • Senior tour - January, 2005 (2)
    "We are gathered here today to pay respect to a large and often under-appreciated segment of our population."
  • Splitting hares - January, 2005
    "By popular lack of complaint, this column returns a special feature: Ask the Rabbit."


2004





  • A stone's throw - December, 2004 (2)
    "David Routs Goliath - A Jerusalem Post exclusive"
  • Celebrity Dreidel - December, 2004
    "For Celebrity Dreidel to become the cultural phenomenon that it is..."
  • Thankless tasks - November, 2004 (2)
    "We are here to honor The Other Guys... the unordained, the unpaid, the unrespected..."
  • The Electoral Yeshiva - November, 2004
    "Before today, nobody has understood what the Electoral Yeshiva is."
  • The fastest diet - October, 2004
    "For those of you Jewish enough, the fastest diet ever devised: the Yom Kippur Diet."
  • A mighty wind - September, 2004 (2)
    "The onset of Hurricane Ivan the Terrible was foretold in the Bible."
  • At your service - September, 2004
    "This column presents to you the ultimate guide to the High Holy Day services."
  • The Sporting Jews - August, 2004
    "Israeli religious leaders, Olympics just days away, issued a ruling on... bullfighting."
  • Taken for granded - July, 2004
    "This is a shout out to grandparents throughout the world. And it's about time."
  • Ask the Rabbit - June, 2004 (2)
    "Due to an unintended contractual obligation, we present a slightly different Ask the Rabbi feature..."
  • Gurb the Caveman Rabbi - June, 2004
    "Judaism has existed, in fact, since the Stone Age. Yes, there were Jewish cavemen."
  • Incensible practices - May, 2004 (2)
    "Incense dates back millenia in Judaism... through the incense felt in the Middle East today."
  • Lagging holidays - May, 2004
    "Of the many obscure, oft-forgotten holidays, Lag B'Omer ranks near the top."
  • Proof of faith - April, 2004 (2)
    "Blind faith. If you're a devout Jew or a Mets fan, you're familiar with it."
  • Kidding around - April, 2004
    "There's an age-old joke... about Moses on Mount Sinai receiving the laws."
  • Rabbinical Discombobulation - March, 2004
    "I am a Googlewhack thanks to the phrase 'rabbinical discombobulation'."
  • Cellist on the Roof - February, 2004
    "A cellist on the roof. Sounds crazy, no?"
  • Slinging drash - January, 2004
    "I'm a longtime Torah reader. I did it for years. And I'd do it again..."


2003





  • Hanukkah bizarre - December, 2003
    "Captured from the near future... How Hanukkah has changed in recent years."
  • Corralling corollaries - November, 2003 (2)
    "'If women rule, how can you (that is, me) have the power?'"
  • I got the power - November, 2003
    "I got the power. And so do all the Jews. We can speak freely of it now."
  • Women rule - October, 2003 (2)
    "Actual instances which prove that the Almighty put women in charge."
  • Statue of limitations - October, 2003
    "The Court of Appeals ruled that the Ten Commandments cannot be taken for granite."
  • Motley Jue Crue - September, 2003
    "Alaska cruises appeal to the same crowd as weekend theatre matinees."
  • Partial Recall - August, 2003
    "Whether California or Alabama is more ridiculous these days."
  • Altered state - July, 2003
    "Palestine and Israel have enjoyed decades of peace, but not their American counterpart."
  • My Big Fat Greek Column - June, 2003
    "I'll show you how any Greek letter was originally a Hebrew letter."
  • The Fashion Bible - May, 2003
    "Men are, and always have been, accessories."
  • Pros and cons - April, 2003
    "Our great land, and the country that sits on it, does not discriminate against small religions."
  • How Jewish are you? - March, 2003
    "All you need is this column, and some means of accurately measuring how Jewish you are."
  • Signs of life - February, 2003
    "Chai is Hebrew for 'life.' To find signs of life, look no further than the dictionary."
  • A dressing down - January, 2003
    "What does dressing appropriately mean?"


2002





  • Hanukah giving - December, 2002
    "Hanukah is the day after Thanksgiving for a reason."
  • Nothing particular - November, 2002
    "Nothing extraordinary occurs on the Jewish calendar in Cheshvan."
  • Reflecting on the present - October, 2002
    "This is a good time of year for reflection, so I went to the source: My Mirror."
  • Out on The Pledge - September, 2002
    "I'll tell you why every word of the Pledge of Allegiance has to go."
  • Judaism in Jeopordy - August, 2002
    "The very existence of Judaism is in jeopardy. There's only one thing to do: Take 'Judaic Holidays' for $200."
  • The seven deadly mitzvahs - July, 2002
    "These mitzvahs best epitomize the old Yiddish saying, 'the good old deeds weren't always good.'"
  • Work in progress? - June, 2002
    "Report on this month's historic International Convention to Rewrite the Bible."
  • News on command - May, 2002
    "'Here we are again, live from Mount Sinai.'"


2001





  • Festival of Lights shopping - December, 2001
    "A shopping guide appropriate for the Festival of Lights."
  • The great discovery - November, 2001
    "The unlikely discovery of the long lost Mishnah tractate Baba Gump."
  • A new confession - October, 2001
    "A special Yom Kippur confessional from the long-lost Mishnah tractate Baba Gump."
  • Preseason predictions - September, 2001
    "Predictions for every Saturday's main events throughout the fall."
  • Grating eXPectations - August, 2001
    "External Specification: Proposed Judaic Features in Wxndxws XX."
  • A more graceful state - July, 2001
    "This column is not about Reform conversion practices."
  • Sell-a-bration - January, 2001
    "Do we live in the image of the Big G by being motivated by the Almighty $?"


2000







1999





  • The royal flush - December, 1999
    "'Tis the season to eat latkes, Fa la la la la they're not matzah."
  • The indefensible foe - November, 1999
    "More gruesome than arsonists or gunmen, what closed a temple? Ground squirrels."
  • Pray for me - October, 1999
    "The next time you walk past a Southern Baptist, he might be praying for you."
  • Well, Heck: The Next Incarnation - September, 1999
    "The South needs good press. Judaism needs good press. UAB needs a good full-court press."
  • The cutting edge - August, 1999
    "California was always enlightened. We'll avert our eyes from the three burning synagogues."
  • Conversion rates - July, 1999
    "Dear Superman, Congratulations on your recent conversion to Judaism."
  • The observation deck - April, 1999
    "The management apologizes for an error in last month's column on the Passover Seder."
  • March Madness - March, 1999
    "The never before seen, real reasons for each part of the Passover Seder."
  • Burning bridges - February, 1999
    "A partial, inexpensive, Jewish solution to the Y2K problem."
  • How to Succeed... - January, 1999
    "How to succeed... in teaching, in kashrut, in having a clear image..."


1998





  • Debunking the Chanukah Mythos - December, 1998
    "Refutes, debunks, calls into question many popular beliefs about Hanukkah."
  • A little shopping - October, 1998
    "Cannibalism. Does Judaism allow it?"
  • High Holy Daze - September, 1998
    "It barely seems like it's been 12 months, let alone a year."
  • Welcome Back, Kinder - August, 1998
    "Dear Religious School Parent, We incorporated all your feedback into our Religious School program."
  • Tradition sedition - July, 1998
    "It can take a village to promote interest in Judaism today. That village is Anatevka."
  • Pro portions - June, 1998
    "Most Jews cannot recall what happens in the book of Vayikra."
  • Israeli Five-O - May, 1998
    "Happy birthday, Israel. Enjoy that people call this "the first" 50 years."
  • Carving a Passover niche - April, 1998
    "This Torah excerpt, the Nissan Stanza, contains many rules about this time of year."
  • For Richer and Purim - March, 1998
    "I don't mean to discourage or denigrate, but I hate going to Friday night services."
  • Literally absurd - February, 1998
    "We look at two extremes: Taking things literally, and endless interpretation."
  • Rabbi, open our eyes! - January, 1998
    "'We had a Jewish rabbi. Well, he's not a rabbi, but he's a Jewish optometrist.'"


1997





  • Mezuzapalooza '97 - December, 1997
    "The largest festival of innovative Jewish gift ideas ever in this column."
  • Honorable Menschen - November, 1997
    "The ultimate guide for women to find that special Jewish someone, or at least his kid brother."
  • Fishing for belief - October, 1997
    "You may have seen small silver fish outlines on the backs of cars and pickup trucks..."
  • Year of the lox - September, 1997
    "Why most Jews don't come to services during the year."
  • Hebrew 101 - August, 1997
    "Do you sometimes feel like Hebrew is a foreign language?"
  • Everybody has a dream - July, 1997
    "At one of 314 weddings this year, I'll meet a nice, single Jewish woman."
  • Shake it up, bubbe - June, 1997
    "The songs that drive the most common inhuman contortions at weddings and bar mitzvahs."
  • Don't open before June 11 - May, 1997
    "We must abstain from joy during the Omer, so save this column until Shavuot."
  • The crumbiest holiday of the year - April, 1997
    "The Jewish welcome of spring, 'Less than six months until Rosh Hashanah already.'"


1996







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