Columns - 2003

    I got the power

    by Doug Brook
    Deep South Jewish Voice Columnist

    I got the power. And so do all the Jews among you, my faithful readers. All four of you know it, though we're not supposed to talk about it in front of "them."

    But we can speak freely of it now. We've been outed like the Fab Five. Our cover's been blown by a wily, crafty politician. Yes, the outgoing Prime Minister of Malaysia, Mahathir Mohamad, is onto us. Even worse, in his final aria he warned the Muslim world to batten down the hatches and to eliminate us by peaceful means.

    As you already know, since you control the world with me, in mid-October, Mahathir told the 10th session of the Organization of the Islamic Conference that "Jews rule the world by proxy" and that the world's 1.3 billion Muslims should unite to achieve "final victory."

    Unfortunately, the delegates didn't sleep through our outage. He got an ovation after his speech from the Islamic leaders in attendance from fifty-seven nations, who included the king of Jordan and the presidents of Syria, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Indonesia.

    Mahathir has never been too kind to the west. And his wife never bought him a good globe, because his lack of kindness to the west has always extended as far as Israel. (If you're not sure why that's odd, look at a globe. Just don't borrow his.)

    Then again, though not to defend him, Israel is often considered part of the west just like south Florida is really the sixth borough of New York. (It is, you know. Why else would people most often try to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge or prime swampland in Florida? See?)

    Anyway, back to the horse's mouth, "For well over a half century we have fought over Palestine. What have we achieved? Nothing. We are worse off than before.

    "If we had paused to think, then we could have devised a plan, a strategy that can win us final victory."

    Apparently Mahathir hasn't filled in for the lack of thinking. And never before in history has a call to action utilized so much passive voice.

    So what is Mahathir's plan for his final solution? I mean, final victory? He said that "1.3 billion Muslims cannot be defeated by a few million Jews." I'm sure that comes as a relief to the world leaders who fear the recent outbreak of synagogue adult education classes such as "M-16 Cleaning and How Isaiah Perfected It For Us."

    His peaceful solution is to use political and economic tactics. After all, he also said, "the Jews rule the world by proxy. They get others to fight and die for them." No doubt he thinks this will fight fire with fire, striking at the only battlefields that Jews themselves will tread.

    But perhaps Mahathir's greatest error isn't what he said. In truth, he doesn't give us enough credit. He underestimates the inherent difficulty of ruling the world by proxy.

    Granted, Mahathir attributes Jews with such inventions as "socialism, communism, human rights, and democracy." He said we created these things so we could gain control of the strongest nations in the world and sidestep persecution.

    Forget for the moment that we wouldn't mind taking undue credit for inventing human rights. Also forget that Roy Moore would probably die just so he could roll over in his grave like a Boston Market chicken on its rotisserie at the thought of non-Christians inventing the founding ideology of the United States.

    Let's forget all that and ask the obvious question. Why does Mahathir think we stopped at a few ideologies and a social value? Over the centuries we've had to create many parts of everyday technology to support our habit.

    As you recall, the United States Postal Service was originally created so we'd have a means of deploying our Rule the World proxy ballots.

    Of course, to ensure their service through rain, snow, and dark of night, we had to eventually invent the automobile, not to mention the windshield wiper, the snowplow, the light bulb, the self-adhesive stamp, and the sport utility vehicle.

    Of course, in today's fast-paced world we need something faster than the postal service can provide. That's why we invented computers and the internet, so we could decide the fate of the world with real-time efficiency.

    For those of you who don't know, and haven't used our creation (the internet) to research it, Malaysia is in the South China Sea. (If you're not one of us who rules the world, you probably didn't know.) Split in two major pieces, part of it is a peninsula attached to Thailand, the rest abuts Indonesia. This area includes the Island of Borneo, birthplace of the infamous Wildman from Borneo.

    My mother never told me much about Wildman, except to compare me to him when I looked unusually disheveled. Which wasn't actually all that unusual. Based on recent events, I have my suspicions about his true identity.

    After a few days, and a quiet but publicized criticism by President Bush, Mahathir repeated his claims about Jews and even added his concerns about Christian fundamentalists in the U.S. government. He also said that criticism of his remarks by many international leaders, "shows that (Jews) do control the world."

    Once again, he's got us. There's no escaping it. We obviously control the world and might as well 'fess up to it.

    But you have to wonder one thing. (Yes, you have to. I said so, and I got the power.) Since we've got the power, why did we let him speak out in public like this when we could have simply voted him off his island?

    Doug Brook is a technical writer in Silicon Valley currently appearing as Simeon and the Butler in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" which, as a ruler of the world, he commands you to see. For more information, past columns, other writing, other current events, and other instructions from him as a ruler of the world, visit his website at

    Copyright Doug Brook. All rights reserved.