Brookwrite

Columns - 2003

    Corralling corollaries

    by Doug Brook
    Deep South Jewish Voice Columnist

    Last month, this column provided several biblical precedents which shockingly, yet conclusively, proved that not only do women covertly rule the world today, but they have done so since biblical times.

    Two weeks ago, this column contained a confession that I, and all my fellow members of the tribe, rule the world. This confession, brought about due to our outing by an outgoing Malaysian authority, was equally shocking news to the free world, as well as the Early October Pre-Christmas Sale world.

    However, a reader of both columns (yes, there was one) recently raised a disturbing, yet entirely troubling question: "If women rule, how can you (that is, me) have the power?"

    Good question. After all, I'm a guy. I'm as prototypical a bachelor as you can find in my entire house. I'm more of a guy than Guy Hunt. I'm more of a guy than those Canadian hockey players who pronounce it "ghee" instead of "guy". I have more teeth, too.

    Naturally, before I let it show that I had no answer to this impending scandal, I thought of one. In fact, as long as I remember to delete that last sentence before this column goes to press, I can easily claim that I had the answer all along.

    The answer, my cute reader, is really quite simple. So simple, in fact, that only a man could think of it. There's no doubt that I've got the power. Malaysia will tell you so, and not just because I told them to. I've got the power, but women rule how I use it.

    Need proof? Look no further than this column. I wrote this entire column just because a woman asked a question.

    But this isn't just about me, for once. When we extrapolate the answer beyond just me, we find that all Jews have the power, but women tell us how to use it.

    Of course, as with any scientifically sound theory such as this, there are corollaries. In this instance, one such corollary is that Jewish women are completely autonomous because they rule AND have the power.

    You doubt that Jewish women are self-sufficient? Please. Why else would many of them insist to their kin, "no, don't worry yourselves about me... I'll be fine... Those fourteen hours I spent in labor were a walk in the park... Not that I remember what a walk in the park is like, it's been so long since you've visited..."

    Guys, admit it. Women are a link above us in the rule chain. Sure, the common story is that Adam was made in the Big G's image, and Eve was made from an extra rib. But there are those who believe that Adam was the prototype (the beta version, in computer software terminology) and Eve was the refined release version.

    Need further proof? A woman made me provide that example, and I did. How do you like them apples? (She says you should try the apple.)

    But there's even more evidence. Look no further than Tevye, Sholom Aleichem's milkman in "Fiddler on the Roof" who falsely believes he runs his household of six women. At one point, Tevye talks about how the Big G gave us traditions for everything, such as "when to sleep, what to eat, and how to wear clothes."

    It's true. And women enforce the traditions. Think about it. If she has something to say in the middle of the night, you'll never sleep. If she's not cooking, she's saying where you're going out to eat. If you haven't been made over on Queer Eye, she's telling you what to wear.

    But here's another corollary to "women rule Jews' power." I raise this not only because it further expands my theory, but also to prove that I was awake during math class when we learned all about theories, corollaries, and how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. (Yes, we learned that one day in Algebra II, using empirical data.)

    The theory is that women rule Jews' power. But which women? Are Jewish men compelled to use their power by Jewish and non-Jewish women alike?

    The answer is, of course, yes. For those of you who have spent years searching for the secret cause of the ever-rising rate of intermarriage, this is the part of the column where your jaws drop into your soup.

    Forget about education, youth activities, and catchier tunes during services. Those are all fine, but they won't change the fact that there's certain women out there, regardless of their religion, who render certain Jewish men incapable of saying anything more coherent than "fff... fffllennninn... fllennn."

    That's not to say Jewish women can't do it, too. The rest is just a numbers game. But since it's winter and we don't start reading from Numbers in services for several months, I won't go into it now.

    Now, you may ask, what about all the Jewish women who marry non-Jewish guys? Well, I'm not allowed to talk about them. After all, I'm single. And my mother would probably ensure I die that way, and soon, if I say anything bad about Jewish women and "heavens forbid scare them all away like a shmendrik."

    But perhaps, until next time, you can all join me in a good laugh at the thought of an unsuspecting non-Jewish guy trying to have an ounce of power or rule in relation to a naturally got-the-power and women-rule Jewish woman. Simply looking at the scientific evidence I just presented, he's doomed.

    Doug Brook is a technical writer in Silicon Valley. His play, Retrograde, is being performed at Clemson University on December 2. Since Clemson did a holy thing in beating Florida State, a woman has told me to make you go see it. For more information, past columns, other writing, and other current events, visit his website at http://brookwrite.com/.

    Copyright Doug Brook. All rights reserved.