Brookwrite

Columns - 2006

    The Buyble says

    Welcome to the 2006 holiday season. This welcome is, of course, late. After all, in an effort to be more inclusive during the Christmas season, our Christian neighbors started putting up holiday decorations in stores in time for our High Holy Days. 2005 High Holy Days, that is.

    In this time-honored time of year, Jews across the nation take time to honor the great sales afforded by tidings you'll never forget. If you look very carefully, who knows? You might find unforgettable gifts such as these:

    Organic Matter -- This two-CD set contains all the traditional early twentieth century Reform melodies as originally played in sanctuaries nationwide.

    Soy Vey -- This cookbook is a must-have for all vegetarians who keep kosher. Be the envy of your friends. Burgers and ice cream in the same meal? You can now, it's all in the soy.

    Oy Vegan -- Need to go a step further for that special kosher vegan in your life? Say "oy" no more, this cookbook contains recipes for all seven possible vegan dishes, meeting glatt kosher standards.

    Moses Doll -- Press the button on this biblical figurine and he'll say one of thirteen famous quotes attributed to him. Flip a switch and you get it in English or Hebrew. Plus, use the special activator button and the Moses Doll just might perform random miracles attributed to him. Who knows? He might just get some water out of a stone, and then part the water before it stains your hardwood floors. But don't upset him, or he might throw down his tablets and disappear upstairs to get replacements.

    And don't forget to pick up the latest Director's Cut, Special, Extended, Limited Edition Release DVDs of your favorite films:

    Star-of-David Wars: Episode I, The Phantom Menschen -- Master Benobi believes that young Steinwalker is The Chosen One, the one whose arrival was prophesied as bringing balance to the galaxy. Meanwhile, Princess Amidahla makes her stand, in repetition, and the Rabbi Order discovers a dangerous new threat to the order of society: Dark Mall.

    Star-of-David Wars: Episode II, Attack of the Cohns -- Steinwalker grows up as he trains to become a Rabbi Master while exploring his feelings for Princess Amidahla. The Rabbi Order is shocked to learn, after consulting a phone book, that there are Cohns everywhere. Massive numbers of Cohns beyond all previous awareness.

    Star-of-David Wars: Episode III, Revenge of B'nai Brith -- Steinwalker's skills grow until the day he seizes control of unprecedented power: Super Sunday. As she dies, Amidahla has twins: Lou and Leah. Yona and Benobi flee into the Diaspora, waiting many years until their salvation comes.

    Star-of-David Wars: Episode IV, A New Trope -- Lou Steinwalker joins forces with Princess Leah and Hazzan Solo to fight Dark Lainer and his evil station built to wipe out centuries-old traditional melodies: The Rock Star.

    Star-of-David Wars: Episode V, The Empire Shries Back -- Lou Steinwalker learns the teachings of Yona, the Rabbi Master, while Dark Lainer captures Leah, Hazzan Solo, and Jewie in an attempt to lure Lou to his side.

    Star-of-David Wars: Episode VI, Return of the Rabbi -- Lou Steinwalker confirms that Dark Lainer is, in fact, his father. And as Yona dies, Lou finds out that Princess Leah has been his sister all along. Lou fights his father, Hazzan Solo becomes part of a new tribe, and they all live happily ever after.

    Harry Plotzer and the Sanhedrin's Stone -- Harry Plotzer first goes to the Hogschwartz School of Mystics and Kabbalah, to learn from the ancient Professor Dorledor. Harry becomes friends with Ron Wiesel and Harzione Granger, and has his first encounter with the murderer of his parents: Voldybbuk.

    Harry Plotzer and the Chamber of Shpilkus -- Harry, in his second year at Hogschwartz, has more run-ins with his fair-haired nemesis, Malgoy. Professor Magilgulim explains the feared Chamber of Shpielkis, now opened again. Harry learns he has the rare gift of being able to speak ParshaTongue, enters the Chamber, and battles the dreaded creature, the Mazelless.

    Harry Plotzer and the Prisoner of Ashkenaz -- In his third year at Hogschwartz, Harry and his fellow kabbalists live in fear of someone who escaped the clutches of the Ashkenaz: Shibboleth Black. But when Black finally finds Harry he reveals that he's no outsider, showing that he is in fact Harry's godfather.

    Harry Plotzer and the Gabbai of Fire -- In his fourth year at Hogschwartz, Harry is mysteriously entered into what, thanks to his enemy Voldybbuk, becomes a life and death tournament. The winner is bestowed with a title befitting one of the world's hottest leaders: The Gabbai of Fire.

    Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley whose cooking is a gift that keeps on giving. For more information, past columns, other writings, and more, visit his website at http://brookwrite.com/.

    Copyright Doug Brook. All rights reserved.