Brookwrite

Pray for me

by Doug Brook
Deep South Jewish Voice Columnist

The next time you walk past a Southern Baptist on the street, watch out. He or she just might be praying for you. ("He or she" also proves that I've lived in California far too long.) Of course, this begs a question:

Will they do it in Hebrew, and sleep through the sermon without snoring?

Okay, okay. Actually it begs this question:

What is with us Jews?

If I were John Q. Baptist, I'd think that anyone would welcome more people praying for me. Every little bit helps. Especially because some of us really need it.

But enough about me. You might recall a few years ago when the Southern Baptists decided en masse (no, not "in Mass") to make it their business to convert the Jews. Among other things, such as saving our obviously misguided souls and helping the Christmas Tree industry, this would help bolster attendance at their services.

Grabbing potential from the jaws of adversity, many Jewish organizations considered similar tactics for getting more Jews to attend their services as well. At this writing, no organizations were willing to provide statistics regarding their success.

So now, just when you thought it was safe to be a Jew (as long as you weren't at a JCC day camp, walking home from Shabbat services, or hanging around a flammable synagogue late at night), the Southern Baptists came out with a "Jewish prayer guide" just in time for the High Holy Day season.

No, they were not helping us defray printing costs for our congregants. They were trying to defray our need to print anything ever again. See, the guides are actually for Southern Baptists (motto: "We like Jews, but before they keep marrying our daughters something has to change") to use in their efforts to pray for our safe, speedy conversion to Christianity during our holiest days, when the Big G (no, not George W.) might be listening the most.

Of course, if they had done any research they would realize that we're not supposed to carry on business during the holidays, so we can't go convert. And even if we could, services last all day.

Then again, judging by the typical attendance of the typical congregant, they might have done their homework after all.

But, as shown by the recent shooting at a Texas church, we're not the only targets of unfortunate religious episodes. Neither is this well-intended, yet misguided and less favorable missionary position, aimed exclusively at Jews.

The news release from the Southern Baptist International Mission Board (motto: "our problem is y'all's solution") also says that they will publish a similar guide for converting Muslims that Baptists can use during Ramadan (Muslim for "Rosh Hashanah"), as well as for other wayward unbelievers such as Hindus, Buddhists, and Barry Manilow fans.

Prepare to be surprised: Some Jews are pretty miffed. I can't argue with that. But unlike some of my brethren, I recognize that they think they're intentions are good. But I have just one more-grateful-than-it-sounds thing to say to the Board:

Leave us alone. (Yiddish for "leave us the $@#! alone, [insert "South Park" insult].")

As the Indian (feather, not dot) chief said in the Talmudic tractate "The Frisco Kid," "Don't give us your god, we have enough trouble with our own."

The Machzor (Hebrew for "ritual free-weight") states, "On Rosh Hashanah it is written, on Yom Kippur it is sealed." (Though I thought you can't write on Rosh Hashanah, but that issue's for another day.)

The Southern Baptist press release states, "On Rosh Hashana, when observant Jews around the world begin 10 days of seeking God, Southern Baptists will be praying they find his Son."

I didn't know He was Missing. Have they tried putting Him on Milk Cartons?

This statement, targeting "observant Jews around the world," begs the question, what about all the non-observant Jews around the world, for whom this is the one time of year they come to services?

But, since I've been begged to not ask that question, the other question is why are we looking for His Son? Shouldn't they be looking For Him? There's a lot of them. Do they really need our help? It seems like they have more searching to do themselves before they worry about us.

Don Kammerdiener, executive vice president of the International Mission Board, made a statement, "The Bible is clear regarding the necessity of sharing the gospel with Jews."

Don, I hope the prayer guide specifies which chapter says "Thou shalt share thine Gospel with them Jews." I looked, couldn't find it. Of course, something might have been lost in the translation.

But if you interpret it to be in there, and I think you're perfectly entitled to your beliefs (hey, I believed the Mets would finally catch the Braves this season), I invite you to share your gospel. Put it on a website. (If you work in such biblical words as "breast" or "naked", you'll get a much higher number of visitors.) But as for your more direct approach, I'm reminded of the seemingly-biblical-but-I-haven't-found-it-in-there-yet "'no' means 'no'."

Jim Sibley, who is the Baptist North American Mission Board's 1996 Convert-the-Jews campaign coordinator, and head of the subcommittee on achieving aboveboard alliteration, that they're just trying to show love for the Jewish people. Jim, just send us a valentine. It might work. After all, even some Jewish Mets fans are grateful for Bobby Valentine.

"We don't intend to be offensive or provocative," Sibley said. "It is simply a matter of exercising our freedom of religion and convictions."

I can't argue with that. But over the years there have been many things that were never intended to be offensive or provocative that resulted in convictions.

Sibley added, "I wouldn't mind if the Jewish community prayed for me."

Well, some of the Jewish community might pray for Jim to stop. Otherwise, if anybody prays for you, at least you asked for it. But here's my offer, Jim: You pray for you, I'll pray for me. We'll call it even.

Hopefully, any Southern Baptists out there will heed my wishes and leave me alone. If not, it's a forgone conclusion that you might as well pray for me. Regardless, you have to forgive me, or you'll be right down there with me.

And I'm the kind of guy who'll wave to you, calling your name when you show up.

Doug Brook is a technical writer in Silicon Valley, who does not intend to be offensive or provocative, and is simply exercising his freedom of expression without a conviction.