Columns - 2011

    Horsing Around with Seuss

    by Doug Brook
    Southern Jewish Life columnist

    'twas the Grinch who stole Christmas, yet all through the house,
    Not a word about Chanukah... that is not til nowse.

    Every Jew down in Jew-ville liked Chanuk ah-lot...
    But the Grinch, who lived just north of Jew-ville, did not!

    The Grinch hated Chanukah! The whole Chanukah season!
    Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
    It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
    It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
    But I think that the most likely reason of all,
    May have been that huge scene at every shopping mall.

    But, whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes,
    He stood there Erev Chanukah, hating the Jews.
    Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
    At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
    For he knew every Jew down in Jew-ville beneath,
    Was busy now, picking gelt from his teeth.

    "And they're spinning their dreidels!" he snarled with a sneer.
    "Tomorrow is Chanukah! Wait, it's already here!"
    Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
    "I MUST find some way to stop Chanukah coming!"

    For, tomorrow, he knew all the Jew girls and boys
    Would wake bright and early with the first of eight toys!
    And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, he hated the noise!
    But not nearly as much as he hated the Oys!

    Then the Jews, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
    One without matzah, they could charbroil their yeast!
    They would feast on Jew-latkes, and rare Jew-roast-beef,
    Which was something the Grinch thought was totally treef!

    And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
    Every Jew down in Jew-ville, the tall and the small,
    Would stand close together, for Menorah blinging.
    They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Jews would start singing!

    They'd sing! And they'd sing! (And they'd shrie for something.)
    And the more the Grinch thought of this Jew-nukah-Sing,
    The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
    Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!
    I MUST stop Chanukah coming! But HOW?"

    Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
    The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!

    "I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
    And he made a quick HanuClaus hat and a coat.
    And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!
    With this coat and this hat, I look like a boychik!"

    "All I need is a chauffer..." The Grinch looked around.
    But, since shofars are scarce, there was none to be found.
    Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,
    "If I can't find a chauffer, I'll make one instead!"
    So he called his dog, Max. Then he took some red string,
    And then put it back 'cause Kaballah's not his thing.

    THEN he loaded some bags from Macy's and Saks
    In a ramshack flatbed and he hitched up old Max.
    Then the Grinch said, "Giddap!" and the Dodge started down,
    Toward the homes where the Jews lay a-snooze in their town.

    All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
    All the Jews were all dreaming sweet dreams without care,
    When he came to the first little house on the square.
    "This is stop number one," the old Grinchy Claus hissed,
    And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

    Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
    But, that other Claus does it, then so could the Grinch.
    He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
    Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
    (A place he didn't know that no Jew ever knew).
    The little Jew-norahs were lined up in a row.
    "These 'norahs," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

    Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
    Around the whole room, and he took every present!
    And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly,
    Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbley!

    Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Jews' feast!
    He took the Jew-latkes! He took the roast beef!
    He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a flash.
    Why, that Grinch even took their last can of Jew-hash!
    (It was medicinal.)

    Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
    "And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "That Menorah's with me!"

    And the Grinch grabbed its base, and he started to shove,
    When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
    He turned around fast, and he saw a small Jew!
    Little Shprintze-leh Jew, who was not more than two.

    The Grinch had been caught by this tiny Jew daughter,
    Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
    She stared at the Grinch and said, "HanuClaus, why,
    Why are you taking our Menorah? WHY?"

    But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick,
    He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
    "Why, my sweet little tot," the fake HanuClaus lied,
    "There's a light on this, see, that won't light on one side.
    So I'm taking it home to my workshop, mein kinder.
    I'll fix it up there then return, so don't hinder."

    And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head,
    And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
    And when Shprintze-leh Jew went to bed with her cup,
    He then went to stuff that Menorah right up!

    Then the last thing he took was the log for their fire!
    Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
    On their walls he left nothing but grease from the fryer.
    And the one speck of food that he left in the house,
    Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

    Then he did the same thing to the other Jews' houses.
    Leaving crumbs much too small for the other Jews' mouses!

    It was quarter past dawn... All the Jews, still a-bed,
    All the Jews still a-snooze, when he packed his flatbed,
    Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
    The tags! And the gelt bags! The trimmings! The trappings!

    Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
    He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
    "Pooh-Pooh to the Jews!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
    "They're finding out now that Chanukah's not coming!
    They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
    Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
    Then the Jews down in Jew-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

    "That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "that I simply must hear!"
    So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.
    And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
    It started in low. Then it started to grow...

    But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded happy!
    It couldn't be so! But it WAS happy! SAPPY!

    He stared down at Jew-ville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
    Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

    Every Jew down in Jew-ville, the tall and the small,
    Was singing! Without any presents at all!
    He HADN'T stopped Chanukah coming! IT CAME!
    Somehow or other, it came just the same!

    And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
    Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
    It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
    It came without packages, boxes, or bags!"
    And he puzzled three hours, til his puzzler was sore.
    Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!

    "Maybe Chanukah," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
    Maybe Chanukah... perhaps... means a little bit more!"

    And what happened then...? Well... in Jew-ville they say,
    That the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!
    And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
    He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
    And he brought back the toys! And the food now not treef!
    And he... HE HIMSELF...! The Grinch carved the roast beef!

    Happy Chanukah, all, and to all a good light!

    Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who never puts Lorax on his bagel. For more information, past columns, other writings, and more, visit For exclusive online content, become a fan at

    Copyright Doug Brook. All rights reserved.