Columns - 1996

    Eligible bachelors discovered on Mars

    As predicted in the recent novel, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", single-celled micro-organic life has been discovered on the red planet down the street (by the 7-11). One can only wonder what we'll find on Venus.

    Theorists (people who make predictions that science is not advanced enough to accept) theorize -- because it's their job to -- that in 300,012 years these micro-organisms will evolve into the suave sex symbols who starred in the recent blockbuster film, "Independence Day" as the tragic heroes of militant space parasites everywhere. (These parasites are commonly disguised as single men in bars and dance clubs on a blue-green planet near you.)

    Today, studies show the average man weds at 26.4 years of age (31.6 in Canadian years). These statistics seem consistent. The report said the same thing when I read it yesterday. In Canada. Not surprisingly, the same study shows that the typical woman will marry a very average 26.4 year old man.

    Parents everywhere worry that their children are waiting for the right person instead of jumping headfirst into marriage like a diver performing a reverse pike into a pool with no water. Of course, if 26 is average, someone has to wait until they're 35 to average out the 17-year-olds who run off to the Second Church of Presley in beautiful rural Las Vegas. (Rabbi Elvis Feldstein presides over ceremonies, and the buffet, on Tuesdays.)

    The other issue of the day is intermarriage -- marrying someone whom you've only met via electronic mail on the Internet. 65 percent of these couples have exchanged pictures. 45 percent exchanged pictures from newsgroups that the government recently outlawed. 30 percent exchanged pictures that were actually of themselves. Among other features, the euphemistic "information superhighway" offers the chance to meet, marry, and schedule alimony with enough time to pour a drink before Letterman starts.

    Our investigative mole (this time attached to the right cheek of an attractive young Jewish lady -- who is engaged... they all are... but I digress) asked a passerby on the street, "Is there an intermarriage problem?" The profound passerby replied, "I don't think so. Everyone who wants to is doing it." Another passerby replied that he wasn't sure because he doesn't own a computer.

    Much has been written on intermarriage. I will not recycle it here (with apologies to the ecologists). However, I will quote an alarming statistic. Of the intermarried couples (in this case Jews and Christians) who leave their computers long enough to celebrate both Christmas and Chanukah, about 83 percent put presents under a Christmas tree and light a Menorah. The Firefighters League of Arson and Matchbook Experts (FLAME), confirms that the other 17 percent put presents under the Menorah and light a Christmas tree. You know who you are. So do the ecologists.

    After the holidays, we finally uncovered the reason for the glut of single Jews. In a scientific study (statistics were recorded in the margins of a high school chemistry book), 87 percent of Jewish women report there are "no Jewish men" out there. 78 percent of the non-existent Jewish men report that 90 percent of the aforementioned Jewish women don't exist either (though if the men surveyed existed, we'd theorize -- without a license -- that they were just saying that to get even).

    Since none of the single Jews surveyed really exist, we had to throw out the results. Appropriately, they were recycled in this column.

    Concerned that 78 percent of myself doesn't exist (my trainer wouldn't mind if 5 percent less of me existed), I contacted the only reliable source of truth in America: The government. The United States Bureau of the Census (Yiddish for "silly number keepers") keeps records of everything! They even have a Barry Manilow LP in the basement. I asked them whether or not single Jews really exist. The receptionist laughed. She said she is one! What luck! I told her I was, too. She then told me I didn't really exist, and if I thought I did it was my own problem. Then she hung up. She's in on the conspiracy. Or, she would be if at least 87 percent of her existed.

    While everyone discusses intermarriage, no one mentions the fundamental problem with traditional Jewish weddings: the Chicken Dance. Statistics show that nobody has ever gathered statistics about the Chicken Dance. The Chicken Dance may have its Talmudic sources, but it has as much place in modern ritual as animal sacrifices. In fact, sacrifices would be better.

    The point? There are lots of single Jews not out there. The singles groups and local yentas should stop catering to single Jews who exist, and concentrate on the ones that don't. What can you do? Parents, don't let your kids graduate college. When they officially enter the adult singles scene, the government makes them disappear. In fact, it's happened to me. You're not reading this. Since I don't exist, I'm off to the beach. Don't tell my boss.

    Doug Brook is a micro-organic writer in Silicon Valley who would know the difference between a menorah and a Chanukiah if he existed.

    Copyright Doug Brook. All rights reserved.