Columns - 1996

    Torah answers modern questions

    In Genesis, the creation of the universe (and the ensuing coagulation of spare parts that we call Los Angeles), was divided into six days. On the seventh day, the Big G (aka "the Almighty Dollar") rested, and in doing so created one of the most controversial and widely used facets of nature: Union breaks. The resting of the Almighty Dollar on the seventh day also explains why Federations are not allowed to collect donations in synagogue on Shabbat.

    Each of the first six days was described as either "good" (Hebrew for "cool"), or "very good" (Hebrew for "cool, dude"), except for the second day. I'm not making this up. Look it up. A Rabbinical scholar, we'll call him "Anonymous" since I don't remember his name, explained why the second day was not so cool, dude. It was the first Monday.

    This is a true account. It's documented. Reread the last paragraph. See?

    Some scholars have said that the creation of woman from man's rib explains why women are historically shorter, more ticklish, and take lots of ribbing from men. It also has been an excuse for male superiority, which is also defended with the other biblical citation, "because the NFL Hall of Fame is dominated by men".

    In Silicon Valley, there's a different perspective. Man was created from dirt. Enough said. But this is apparently common knowledge. Many women tell men to "crawl back under the rocks they came from". Takes on a whole new, alliterative meaning.

    Man was the original product. Woman was the upgrade. Version 2.0, as it were. Unless you're Microsoft, in which case woman is "Man 95", which was scheduled for release in the year 93, but delayed several times. This was not the case, though, which again illustrates the vast difference between Microsoft and the Big G. Someone should remind Bill Gates of this, and that the big G does not stand for "Gates".

    This is not to say women are perfect, either. Any PC user can agree that while Windows 95 is an improvement on previous versions -- rubbing sticks together would have been -- the upgrade is only slightly better (akin to lighting a wet match for the sticks). Of course, this is the Torah's subtle way of saying that men and women are perfect for each other.

    Please don't misunderstand me. The computer analogy is not meant to imply that women have bugs. At least no more than men do. But if everyone washes their hair, we should all be fine.

    The early chapters of Genesis describe the history of the double entendre. After Eve was created, she helped with the chores by raising sugar cane. This is because she couldn't help much before she was created. Then, thanks to the snake (no, not Adam) she started raising cain. After being exiled from paradise, and buying from the Victoria's Secret fig leaf collection, she started raising Cain. Of course, it soon became obvious as she was raising Cain that he was not Abel -- "unable" in contemporary English. It was obvious because Cain killed Abel, but lived to tell about it. They must have been different people.

    Speaking of the slow evolution of recalcitrants motivated by selfishness and backstabbing, it's election season!

    Not since the days of Washingstone and Jefferstein have Jews held top billing at any national political conventions. After these esteemed Jewish American forefathers (though there were two, not four) left the White House, Jews searched from sea to not-yet-polluted sea for another forum for exercising their hereditary urges to debate, squabble, and endlessly promote three opinions for every two people.

    Yes, this is the birth of the Board of Directors.

    Watching the presidential campaigns makes one wonder who thought that only four years between elections was enough. The mudslinging in campaigns today is reminiscent of two American pastimes: mud wrestling, except the wrestlers often have at least some attractive features; and beavers building a dam, except that the muckraking rodents aren't nearly as intelligent as nature's cute, fuzzy, little carpenters.

    Politics doesn't seem like a career for a nice Jewish boy or girl. If you have a politician's vampiric craving for drawing blood, be a doctor. Or a controversial local sports columnist. If you ache for debate, be a lawyer. Or a controversial local sports columnist. Yes, they have minyan during the seventh inning stretch of afternoon Orioles games at Camden Yards in Baltimore, but that doesn't make political life in Washington D.C. worth it.

    The moral of the story: You should vote. Just don't vote for any men or women. Especially if they use Windows 95.

    Nobel laureate Doug Brook is a technical writer who, if elected, will declare all Mondays federal holidays. Most of them already are anyway.

    Copyright Doug Brook. All rights reserved.