Brookwrite

Gurb the Caveman Rabbi

By Doug Brook
Deep South Jewish Voice Columnist

In the deepest recesses of the legendary, long-lost, 'literative Mishnah tractate Bava Gump lies one of the biggest secrets in the history of religion.

Just as on every Passover we point out that the sandwich was invented, not by the Earl of Sandwich, but centuries earlier by the Great Sage Hillel, Bava Gump will knock the world on its side through another earthshaking, mind-bending revision of common historical understanding.

No major modern western religion is known to predate the birth of Judaism, except for the John Wayne Fan Club. But new discoveries in recently translated portions of Bava Gump present a startling discovery.

Judaism is commonly believed to have existed since the days of Abraham, a couple thousand years before the invention of non-negative year numbers. However, Bava Gump provides definitive proof that Judaism has existed much longer; in fact, since the Stone Age.

Yes, there were Jewish cavemen.

Top scholars are working night and day, but never both thanks to offshore outsourcing, to find out how Judaism predated the birth of Abraham. Of course, there are questions as to how this detail was omitted from the book of Genesis. Those questions will be investigated in the order they are received.

But until our top scholars complete their research, we must take this early birth of Judaism on faith like so many other things in religion, such as keeping kosher, circumcision, Yankees championships, and standing through the hour-long Neilah service at the end of Yom Kippur.

So far, only a few excerpts have been successfully translated. They indicate that the Middle Eastern cavemen had a leader, a Rabbi named Gurb. The recovered text contains many wise teachings that, while oriented toward the Stone Age, you will no doubt agree are timeless in their ethos.

So, for the first time in print anywhere, here is the wisdom of Gurb, the Caveman Rabbi:

"Frun bloogedy blug blug reedee vurnishpurnd gagoogiga, Gurb?"

(Thankfully, as several of my exes have claimed, I speak neanderthal. Combining that with my lingering, pedestrian knowledge of Hebrew, I provide the following translation.)

"May we ask you, our beloved Rabbi, a troubling question, Gurb?"

"A troubling question?"

"Yes."

"No."

"Can we ask you a simple question instead?"

"Certainly."

"How will you know if we're not just really asking you the troubling question anyway?"

"Because you just asked me that instead."

"And what about now?"

"By now you've forgotten the original question."

(Pause) "True."

"Anything else? I'm drafting my sermon."

"Yes, we can see that the paint is still wet. Nice mammoth."

"The mammoth is a metaphor. See how the young man gets swallowed by the mammoth for three days?"

"How can a mammoth swallow a young man for three days?"

"Have you ever seen a mammoth swallow a young man and let him go in fewer than three days?"

"Rabbi, we do have another question."

"Can I have it?"

"You can borrow it, but only long enough to answer it."

"But if I answer it you won't need it anymore, will you?"

"Okay, fine. You can keep it. We are troubled about how we get our women."

"Not nearly as much as the women are troubled by it."

"True."

"You really need to find a better way to find dates."

"Okay."

"It's not like you'd be reinventing the wheel."

"The what?"

"So what troubles you about it?"

"Rabbi, until we find a better way, is it more humane to club the women over the head before we drag them by their hair back to our caves?"

"Certainly it is more humane. If you club them, they pass out quickly. If you don't club them, they'll be in agony the entire drag."

"But what about the recent studies that show an increase in female mortality from head trauma caused by blunt instruments?"

"We must simply devise a less painful, more reliable method for clubbing them. One that involves less risk to their livelihood."

"And what about striking them over the head if they're wearing a sheidel over their hair?"

"We've been over this before. Sheidels indicate to cavemen as they sneak up from behind that the woman they're approaching is married. Nobody should ever club a woman wearing a sheidel."

"Okay, we have another question."

"Why is tonight so different?"

"That wasn't our question, but it's a good one, too."

"Let's pass over it for now."

"Rabbi, we seek enlightenment about the recent discovery of fire."

"That's easy. If you stand near enough to the fire, it will enlighten you until it burns out."

"But we're prohibited from doing work on the sabbath. Does that mean starting a fire is prohibited?"

"Of course it does. Have you ever tried to light a fire? It's a lot of work!"

"But we've found that fire can destroy things like leaves and tree branches. If we work to create a fire, and we then use the fire to destroy some leaves, do the creation and destruction cancel each other out?"

"No."

"Why not, Rabbi?"

"We haven't even invented pants yet, so we certainly don't have loopholes yet."

"Thank you, Rabbi."

"You're welcome."

"Rabbi, how will people remember your teachings in generations to come?"

"It will be passed down to our children, and our children's children."

"And the drawings on the cavewall for your sermon probably help."

"Yes, they would, except that you just leaned on the end of my sermon and smudged it."

"We'll be more careful, Rabbi."

"Well, that would answer why this night is different."

Doug Brook is a neanderthal technical publications program manager in Silicon Valley. For more information, past columns, other writing, hieroglyphics, and other current events, visit his website at http://brookwrite.com/.