Columns - 2006

    Broken News -- Iran Conference Creates Concern

    TEHRAN, Iran - Iran on Monday announced that, on the heels of the widespread coverage of its recent Holocaust conference, it will soon convene a second gathering to examine whether the creation of the world took place.

    This latest announcement drew ire and condemnation from Israel, Germany, Botswana, and most other nations.

    The new conference was announced by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in an attempt to further his image worldwide as a staunch opponent not only of Israel, but of every nation that supports, trades with, or in any other way exists on the same dimensional plane as Israel.

    Ahmadinejad announced the new conference without waiting for whether his recent conference examining if the Holocaust actually happened would be published in the journal Science.

    In a surprising vote of support for the earlier conference, pockets of Jews worldwide have begun to support the Holocaust examination. Several prominent Jews have expressed the belief that if Iran can truly prove that the Holocaust never occurred, then six million more Jews will suddenly reappear throughout the world, plus their heretofore unrealized descendents, as interest.

    Ahmadinejad would not comment on this Jewish support, but inside sources have quoted him as saying, "with friends like this, who'll be our enemy?"

    Organizers of this new conference claim it will be a scholarly affair, investigating whether the creation of the earth actually occurred. Originally thought to be another anti-Semitic feather in Ahmadinejad's beret, Iranian officials were quick to put distance between the conference and dispelling the earliest texts at the basis of all major western religions, including Islam.

    "We cannot in good conscience attempt to refute the first chapter in the history of our own people," says Ahmadinejad. "We therefore have no choice but to examine, regardless of scripture, if the creation actually occurred at all."

    Organizers expect the conference attendance to top the 67 participants from 30 countries who took a magnifying glass to the Holocaust. But initial efforts to line up scholars has proven difficult.

    "Holocaust deniers are easy to find," said one organizer who declined to identify himself for fear of his name appearing in print. "People who deny their own creation are a little harder to pin down. But we'll find them."

    One anti-creation scholar, Manny Barrilow, is thought to have accepted an invitation. Jailed in Germany in 1999 for denying creation, he mysteriously disappeared from his maximum security cell after a particularly driven rant on the lack of proof of his own existence.

    While American officials denounce the Iranian conference, as well as its government, foreign policy, and cuisine, a few Americans have expressed a passing interest in the conference.

    "If they can prove the world was never created," said one American who asked that his name not be disclosed, and lives at 324 Maple Drive, Wichita Falls, "it would sure save us all this headache of evolution versus creationism versus intelligent design."

    This week-long conference is again being organized by the Iranian Foreign Ministry's Institute for Political and International Studies and its chief, Rasoul Mousavi.

    "This conference seeks neither to deny or prove that the world was created," says Mousavi. "It is just to provide an appropriate scientific atmosphere for scholars to offer their opinions in freedom about a historical issue."

    Sources from the renowned Stegner Institute decry this statement, partly for being a retread from the previous conference, but mainly because it's supposed to be "an historical."

    According to Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki, there's no reason to deny the conference's right to exist to study the question of the world's historical precedent to exist.

    "If the official evidence that the world was created is thrown into doubt," Mottaki said, "then the identity and nature of Israel will be thrown into doubt. And if, during this review, it is proved that the creation of the world was a historical reality, then what is the reason for the Muslim people of the region and the Palestinians having to pay the cost of the Nazis' crimes?"

    Unconfirmed reports claim that world-renowned scholar and philosopher Ren� Descartes recently visited a s�ance to formally denounce the conference's thesis questioning the creation of the world, by declaring, "I thought, therefore I was." A moderate amount of alcohol and hallucinogens legal for medicinal purposes in California were found at the scene.

    When asked if he was concerned about how history will view him in relation to other recent Iranian leaders, Ahmadinejad surprisingly framed his dismissive answer using Jewish colloquialism, "Shah. Quiet."

    Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who might have to move now for reasons of national security. For more information, past columns, other writings, and more, visit his website at

    Copyright Doug Brook. All rights reserved.