Columns - 2006

    If Jews created spam

    Imagine a world where Jews created spam...

    First of all, spam would be kosher. Not only would the pork and ham be replaced, but it would be pareve.

    Kids would be sent to Jewish day school, lunchboxes filled with peanut butter and spam sandwiches. Bagels served with cream cheese and spam. Gefilte spam. First seder entr´┐Że selections of chicken, brisket, or spam.

    But we're not talking about Jews creating that kind of spam. Just two years ago Manhattan rung with the lyrics, early in Act Two, 'you won't succeed on Broadway if you don't have any Jews.'

    But even though one of the backers of "Spamalot" is named Horowitz, that's also not the kind of spam we're talking about.

    What if Jews created that other kind of spam? That ubiquitous spam so many more people are stuck digesting each day, that leaves an equally bad taste in our mouths, that makes us just as sick (and tired) in a more ethereal way.

    We're talking about a world in which Jews create email spam. There your inbox might be filled with subjects like these rips on today's header lines:

    Hoodia think you're fooling in that shirt? Lose those Passover pounds in 1 week!

    Never buy retail again

    Hunky Jewish men who know how to cook... no, food!

    Get your son the law degree you always wanted

    Hot Jewish mother turns on the AC

    Show your wife how spry you can be... walk to shul

    Get those extra two you've always wanted -- increase the size of your minyan

    Stock Opportunities on Wall Street
    (maybe Jews already do create spam...)

    Problem with your PayPal account... you don't use it enough

    Impress your wife! We can fix your stamina for Neilah

    Sick of membership websites? Join your JCC instead!

    Easy Ordering, lack of privacy guaranteed

    Lose 10 lbs from your tuchus by yuntov!

    Nice Jewish mothers waiting for YOU... to worry about

    Sweet young single, in various stages of Adult Education classes

    Don't open this email... Your wife's mother sent it
    (Note: That's not spam, just good sense)

    Rwandan expatriated royal, $6 mil wants to transfer FROM you

    our mother dreamed of having beautiful kids... why disappoint her again?

    Big breasted chicks at your door in 24 hours, guaranteed kosher

    Give on Super Sunday

    Give on Super Sunday!!!

    Gife to yor Federation on Supr Sunday

    $$ 2 yore Fed on Souper Sundae

    Nice Jewish humor columnist's mother seeks nice Jewish girl for her son who she's given up waiting to get off his *ss; generous sense of humor required

    You can't quit smoking but you see that your not davening as hard as you used to be

    Generic Vayikra is one solution to many problems

    No degree? What does your father think?

    Knead some dough?... make quick challah

    Full-time scholar? Get your Pro phylacteries here

    Love life crummy? try our online matz-maker

    The Talmud says shrimp is kosher! Read the tractate newly discovered in the 1990s, Bava Gump

    Nictofilin -- the nicotine patch worn as a sign upon thine hand


    turn a blind ear to this email, get an Evil Eye from ten friends

    Into midrash? Get your prescriptures fill here

    Jewish woman bears it all! -- her son marrying out, her husband not fixing the stairs, her daughter raising her kids wrong...

    Quick judgements for you and your son hedrin

    Could you last forty days and forty nights?

    Download your 10 favorite sermons for $.99 here

    U haven't lived til u've had a Levy T. kiss

    Need help with a mid rash?

    Enlargement patch sale! Proceeds go to temple's expansion onto neighboring field

    Nice Jewish girl seeks man who's tall, moody

    tract ate your homework again?

    Try the new miracle weight loss, Herb

    Give a Great home loan quote to local borrowers

    Don't open! You won't wear a scarf, but your PC should get a virus too?

    Make fast days faster -- fix your watch already

    Nice Jewish girl w/ generous sense of humor seeks Nice Jewish humor columnist ready to get off his *ss despite his mother's insistence

    Doug Brook disavows responsibility for any spam sent with these titles, unless he's paid a hefty royalty, delivered in unmarked bills in a plain envelope on Tuesday nights at 11:30pm, Grand Central Station, Uptown 5 platform, third women's toilet from the back. For past columns and other writings, visit his website at

    Copyright Doug Brook. All rights reserved.