Brookwrite

How Jewish are you?

by Doug Brook
Deep South Jewish Voice Columnist

Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered how Jewish you are? (For the scope of this article, we'll stick with a vanity mirror, not a full-length one.)

Equally to the point, have you ever wondered how Jewish someone else really is? You must have heard it over time; sometimes non-Jews are more Jewish than some Jews, from a certain point of view.

Wonder no longer. Today, and any day you reread this column, you can determine with scientific accuracy exactly, to a decimal point, how Jewish you are. All you need is this column, and some means of accurately, scientifically measuring how Jewish you are.

As you'll see from the questions, to do well on this quiz you do not even need to be Jewish. (Not sure if you're technically Jewish? Watch this space for an upcoming quiz that will tell you. For men taking that future quiz, high school biology is a prerequisite. A full length mirror is optional, but helpful.)

So take the quiz, and compare your Judaica with your friends. You can even take the quiz on behalf of a friend, and talk to other friends about their results.

Have you ever wondered how Jewish someone else really is? (5 points)
Have you ever wondered aloud, in conversation with at least two other equally curious people, how Jewish someone else really is? (15 points)

Have you ever walked with another Jew into a bar at the start of a joke? (20 points)
Having walked into the bar, did you hurt your nose? (5 points)

Did you have a bris? (25 points, 30 if you're a girl)
If yes, did your parents serve coldcuts afterward? (minus 5 points)
Do you know what a bris is? (no points, if you don't know, you didn't have one)

Do you like lox, knishes, kreplach, kugel (noodle or potato), rugela, tagelah, or gefilte fish? (5 points each)
Do you believe that there's really a type of fish called gefilte? (minus 5 points)
Do you realize that's kind of like thinking that they make naugahyde by going into the wild and skinning poor defenseless naugas? (5 points)

Do you look Jewish? (0 points)
Do you know what it means to look Jewish? (2 points)
Are you offended at the notion that someone can look Jewish? (0.00001 points)
Even if all you're talking about is a big black sabbath coat and a fur hat? (0 points, and a prescription to get over yourself)

Do you have a last name somehow derived from "Cohn", "Levi", "Gold-anything", "Rosen-anything", "Anything-baum", "Anything-berg", or "Anything-stein"? (5 points)
Do you have a first name somehow similar to "Christopher", "Christine", or "Jesus"? (minus 5 points)
Are you a doctor (somehow medical), lawyer, Hollywood/Broadway mogul, or accountant? (2 points each)
Do you have a career in the NFL, NHL, or NBA? (minus 25 points)
Do you have a career talking smack about all things sports on a daily radio show? (no point)

In the past year, have you been on a bimah? (10 points)
In the past year, have you driven a Beemer? (10 points)
In the past year, have you owned a Beemer that you paid someone to drive you around in? (5 points; Jews have shofars, not chauffeurs)

Ever help an old lady across the street? (5 points)
Ever help an old lady across the street, and you're also an old lady? (10 points)
Ever help an old lady across the street, and you're an old lady in a young man's body? (minus 5 points)
Have you ever crossed Delancey? (5 points)
Have you ever spent forty years crossing a desert? (50 points)
Have you ever spent only six months crossing a desert because you actually asked for directions? (minus 5 points)

Do you have three patriarchs, four matriarchs, and wonder why, despite this fact, you can't have more than one wife unless you live in Utah? (10 points)
Are you at risk for carrying Tay-Sachs? (10 points)
Do you have your own line of credit at Saks? (5 points)
Do you dress in anything resembling potato sacks? (minus 5 points)

Are you married or somehow less legally associated with someone else who's Jewish? (5 points)
Have you, after years of trying and failing to be married or somehow less legally associated with someone else who's Jewish, given up? (5 points)
Do you realize that this is most likely the time you'll find someone? (1 point; you typically find little things like missing socks and eternal love right after you stop looking for them, but that doesn't mean you're Jewish)

Do you think that Temple University is a Jewish college? (minus 5 points)
Do you think that Brandeis, Emory, and Tulane aren't? (minus 5 points)

Do you own a copy of "Fiddler on the Roof", "The Chosen", "Yentl", "The Frisco Kid", or any Mel Brooks films? (2 points each)
Do you get more jokes in "The Frisco Kid" than everyone else in the room? (10 points)
Do you look like the Frisco Kid? (20 points)
Do you know the complete lyrics to "Springtime for Hitler"? (no points, but good for you)

Did you learn anything in religious school? (minus 5 points)
If yes, did you learn anything in religious school aside from how to sleep with your eyes open, producing a minimal amount of drool? (you can have your 5 points back)

When driving your children to religious school, did you complain in front of them about having to take them? (5 points, unfortunately)
When driving your children to religious school, do you slow to under ten miles per hour to drop them off? (10 points)
Do you step foot in the building? (20 points)

Are you aware that there are other Jewish holidays every year beside Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur? (2 points)
Are you aware that these holidays actually include traditions, services, and all kinds of neat stuff like that? (5 points)
Do you remember anything that was spoken about during services (by someone on the bimah, not by you and your neighbours), beside the campaign pitch? (2 points)
If you don't remember anything else they talked about beside the campaign pitch, did you at least contribute? (5 points)

Do you buy retail? (minus 10 points)

Tally the points for all your Yes answers. If you're unable to do so, get your accountant to do it for you (minus a fee of 5 points). Compare your total to the Dow Jones Industrial Average. If your score is higher, I'm probably about to be unemployed.

Doug Brook is a technical writer in Silicon Valley. His play Retrograde, published in the 8 Tens @ 8 Festival anthology, recently had its professional New York premiere on 42nd Street. For more information, past columns, other writing, and other current events, visit his website at http://brookwrite.com/.