Brookwrite

Bava Who?

In this time of remembrance, I realize that I've forgotten something important for the past ten years.

Okay, buying presents makes two things I forgot.

I have long promised both of my faithful long-time readers, as well as my three other unfaithful readers, to detail the origin of the oft-cited, exclusively presented, recently discovered, overly adjectivized tractate, Bava Gump.

This space several years ago covered the discovery of the tractate, but could not explain its origins. Until now.

Of course, you're all familiar with the Talmud's best-selling tractates Bava Metziah, Bava Batra, and Bava Kama. For years, this column scoured the earth, wind, and fire for any artifacts from the legendary "Other Bavas," including Bava Sutra (uniquely linked to Bava Kama), Bava Ria (laws regarding life in middle Europe), Bava Ganoush (laws regarding foreign cuisine), Bava Rino (laws regarding early sitcom characters), and others.

As my readers know, we finally found a tractate and have spent years and countless hours translating its contents and bringing to you the wisdom and laws of Bava Gump.

First, an overview of the Talmud. Flying over the Talmud, one quickly realizes why its hundreds of volumes comprise the only set of codified laws visible from space. The Talmud contains interpretations, discussions, arguments, and even one or two resolutions, between more rabbis than you've slept through sermons from.

The Mishnah traditionally has sixty known tractates, divided into six orders (often referred to as "books" instead because the rabbinic debates jumped around a lot.) Consequently, each "book" contains about fifty actual books. For example, the first tractate, "Tractates," takes seventeen volumes to explain that a tractate is "a really long read before bed."

The modern version of the Mishnah has sixty-three known tractates. Several rabbis, however, now contend that sixty-three does not equal sixty. This discovery apparently arose during contract renewal negotiations.

Where do the other three tractates come from? One tractate, in the Fourth Order (because of its modern inclusion, sometimes considered a backorder), is "Nezikin" which is Talmudese for "Damages." It received this name because it's such a large tractate that its addition to rabbinic bookshelves caused them to collapse.

Therefore, Nezikin was split in three: Bava Kama, Bava Metzia, and Bava Batra. These translate as "The First Gate," "The Middle Gate," and "The Last Gate."

When the first written copies arrived at the Great Library, the Chief Rabbi said, "there's too many! They'll never fit through the main gate!" He then pointed to each set of volumes and sent them, respectively, to the first gate, middle gate, and last gate.

Where is Bava Gump? The Chief Rabbi didn't notice a fourth set of volumes, being read by the delivery guy. Later realizing the omission, the delivery guy left them at his usual dropoff: Bava Gump, "The Service Gate."

Thus Bava Gump was lost from the canon, while its three brothers were welcomed as canon-fodder.

But Bava Gump's accidental misplacement was an act of providence. It presents topics and rulings of more interest, relevance, and comprehension to the common man. So it was particularly appropriate that it be brought in through the entrance used primarily by commoners.

The translation is a long, slow, tedious process. But unlike its fellow tractates, Bava Gump is not a long, slow, tedious read. Rest assured that great minds, at the very tops of their heads, are working on it both night and day. Sometimes even in the same month.

Of course, our avid readers over the years both learned of such new rabbinic teachings as the real translation of the Yom Kippur Vidui confessional (sample: Ashamnu = "we were ashamed"), and the revelation that men were known even in rabbinic times to be little more than walking fashion accessories for women.

Our readers also saw the beginnings of the scandal in which Bava Gump was accused of impropriety in its ruling that in certain circumstances shrimp can be kosher. The latest on this issue cannot be discussed, due to a restraining order. (Not from a court. The editor said, "restrain yourself.")

More translations are available every now and then. So continue to watch this space for future revelations from Bava Gump. And if we unearth any of these other lost tractates, you will be the first to know.

Doug Brook is a senior technical writer in Silicon Valley who also periodically reports on the recently discovered carvings of Gurb, the Caveman Rabbi. For more information, past columns, and other writings, visit his website at http://brookwrite.com/.