RearPewMirror - Doug Brook -- writing and theatre

Two collections of columns, in Paperback & Kindle

High praise – from real, actual people:

• “I’m on paragraph two of the introduction and I’m laughing out loud. How dare you not have me lol-ing by paragraph one!” – a non-bribed reader

• “It arrived without an autograph. How dare you.” – another satisfied customer

•“There were actually some things I didn’t have to Google.” – an unbiased reader

• “Oh, shoot. I should really read Doug’s book.” – a potentially eventual reader

READ IT BELOW

Anyone who’s Jewish from The South and has traveled to any state that lacks a Buc-ee’s has experience fielding the question, “wait, there are Jews there?"

This experience is shared by anyone who’s Jewish and from the actual southernmost part of the United States: the Chaiwaiian Islands.

It’s true. The nation’s sole islandic (not Icelandic) state, where nobody books ‘em like Danno, is home to several thousand Jews – not even counting tourists and timeshare owners.

How did they get there? Well, they didn’t drive. But their origin story is as interesting as the rest of this column.

Earlier this year, the Vatican voted to place its first order for Chicago-style deep dish. With a feather in his cap that he called macaroni, Pope Leo XIV was ordained to the tune of the wickedly famous, traditional Steveschwartzian chant “Pope-ular, you’re gonna be Pope-ular…”

While having the first American pope is nice – and nicer due to some Crescent City ancestry – this promulgation of papal firsts begs the question of whether there's ever been a Jewish pope.

But nobody needs to beg. The question isn't as ludicrous as it sounds. The answer, however, is exactly that ludicrous...

One year ago was the triumphant release of Rear Pew Mirror: Reflections From the Back of the Sanctuary.

Destined to surpass its predecessor on its journey toward the New York Times Best Seller list, the ink is drying on volume two, Rear Pew Mirror II: The Wrath of Columns.

The second collection based on this column is available in paperback and Kindle. Rear Pew Mirror II: The Wrath of Columns contains 32 past columns, all updated with more never-before-read laughs and fewer typos to be, on average, 34.7% funnier than before.

Jewish opera. Sounds crazy, no?

If one imagines fiddlers falling off roofs like chandeliers crashing to the stage floor, then it’s crazy, yes.

But, yes, Virginia, there is Jewish opera.

Jewish composers have not historically been confined to their prevalence in Broadway musicals and Christmas songs. Among better-known Jewish opera composers are George Gershwin (“Porgy and Bess”), Leonard Bernstein (“A Quiet Place”), and Arnold Schoenberg (the unfinished, dodecaphonic “Moses und Aron”). But there have been numerous others.

From: Anatevka Homeowners Association

Dear Tevye,

We hope this letter finds you well. Everyone in the AHA is gratified to see that you have, in fact, become a rich man. After being blessed with five daughters and a life of poverty, it’s a gift for you that the Almighty has seen fit to smite you with money, the world’s curse. May you never recover.

Regarding your house’s interior, there’s no concern about the one long staircase just going up, but the one even longer coming down does not comply with local building code. The one more that leads nowhere just for show is similarly non-compliant.

With great fanfare – that is, a fair number of ceiling fans were turned on and made the room feel great – the first collection based on this column is now available, in paperback and Kindle. Rear Pew Mirror: Reflections From the Back of the Sanctuary contains 29 past columns, all updated with more laughs and fewer typos. Each column has been clinically proven to get laughs out of nearly both of our readers, by virtue of them needing clinical help after reading.

It might seem self-serving to focus this shopping guide on this book. In many realms, it would be unthinkable. For example, self-promotion is difficult to get away with in the military. Despite that, we will uniformly discharge our duty, as off we go being all we can be with our anchors aweigh, while turning up our semper hi-fi.

William Shakespeare famously stated in his bard mitzvah speech that when it comes to the Torah, “that which we call our prose by any other name would start with Beresheet.”

So, what’s in a name?

On Yom Kippur, everyone atoned for any name calling they did during the previous year, including for the names given to certain newborns who’ll be haunted for life by their parents’ selections.

This raises the related question of who named the weekly Torah readings, and did they atone for it. What were they thinking?

In the world today, there is a country that’s an all-too-rare beacon of democracy shining bright amid the world around it. Particularly in recent years, as seen daily in the news, this country struggles with the world’s perception of it while it endures internal trials the likes of which have been seldom seen in its history.

It began as a single, unified nation. After nearly a hundred years, the country literally split into two – the north versus the south – and was arguably never the same again. One of the most divisive events in its history was an instance of violent dissent regarding succession in its leadership.

Of course, this is about Israel.

Indiana Cohen – professor of archaeology, expert on the occult, and obtainer of rare antiquities – was being questioned about an intercepted cable by two representatives of a government agency in the middle of World War II.

Indy, with a gleam of recognition in his eye, said, “Ararat is one of the possible resting places of the lost ark.”

One of the agents replied, “You mean the Ark of the Covenant? The chest the Hebrews used to carry around the Ten Commandments? The original stone tablets that Moses brought down out of Mount Horeb and smashed?”

“No. Noah. Noah’s Ark.”

In the beginning, the Big G empowered humans with the ability to control their destiny. Possible side effects include controlling not just their own, but each other’s destinies as well.

Soon after this divine empowerment for all four members of humankind, Cain killed Abel. In doing so, Cain wiped out 25% of the population in one attack. Further, Cain controlling his own destiny in this manner took away Abel’s control of his own destiny.

Perhaps it was Abel’s destiny for Cain to determine Abel’s destiny for him. But that would mean Abel never had control of his own destiny. Unless control of one’s own destiny requires being at all times (somehow) prepared to not be killed. Just in case.

Regardless, this murderous moment was a unique anomaly of human behavior. Many such unique anomalies continued through the generations, until “don’t kill” made number six on the first Top Ten list to be accessed via tablet from the cloud.

The first night of Passover begins the commemoration of passing over the Israelite homes because of seeing a special sign.

The night of First Contact commemorates the not-passing over of the Earth because of seeing a special sign.

On Passover, the angel of death flew past the Israelites, sparing them of the final plague on Egypt.

On First Contact Day, the Vulcans flew down and landed on Earth after detecting the planet’s first faster-than-light space vehicle.

Each event was a turning point into the dawn of a new era. One freed the Israelites from being confined to Egypt. The other freed everyone from being confined on Earth, into the community of the galaxy.

The Talmud teaches that on Purim one is to get so drunk that they can no longer tell the difference between the good guys and the New York Y*nkees.

Purim is, sadly, just one day of the year. Because of that, it’s often followed by Post-Purim Depression – or is it really just a hangover? Either way, the best method for coping with it is probably not exploring all-new Israel-inspired cocktails. Nevertheless, that’s the subject at hand.

While the biblical prohibition against mixing wool and linen is called Shatnez, there’s fortunately no Shatnez for bartenders mixing shots of these heretofore unsipped concoctions.

First on the menu, one might think that Jerusalemoncello is a tribute to the holy city’s thousands of years of taking the lemons that history hands it and making lemonade. In truth, it’s just a limoncello variant that replaces lemon zest with etrog zest.

Now, for the first time anywhere, this column presents an excerpt from another newly found folio: tractate Bama Metziah.

The tractate’s origin story is unclear thus far, but its collected commentaries and texts are so unexpected and game-changing are so eclectic that it could leave even the most pacifist rabbi apoplectic.

So, here is a heretofore unseen piece of biblical text. It captures one of the greatest victories ever witnessed throughout the millennia of time.

1: Here, in a bowl of iron, on the field of a legion, a pair of baker’s minyans battled to dominate the land on which they stood.

Originally intended as an Ask the Rabbi feature, a contractual typo obligated this column to instead periodically provide the very best in traditional Rabbitic wisdom: Ask the Rabbit.

A fun feature of smart speakers, like the Apple HomePod, Amazon Echo, or Google Nest, is that people can ask them questions and actually get answers. What’s more fun is that people can submit their own answers to questions that have been asked but for which the smart speakers weren’t quite smart enough without help.

Amazon’s Alexa contains numerous unanswered Judaic questions, and some questions with answers that just aren’t very entertaining. Suggesting answers led to the discovery that submitted answers are, in fact, moderated.

So, despite being a foremost rabbitic authority, most of my Judaic answers are either eternally pending or outright flagged, while just a few were cleared for civilized people to hear. Yes, these are my actual submitted answers to actual questions.

In some years, like this one, the eight days of Chanukah partially overlap with the twelve days of secular Chanukah. This means that all the annual Chanukah sales are conveniently well-timed for those who observe the secular day as well.

When this overlap lands right, the annual Chinese food seder – which is celebrated on different evenings every year, but always on December 24th on the secular calendar – additionally becomes a Chanukah meal.

Naturally, because it’s Jewish and it’s food, there are traditions. There are special Chinese recipes to eat on this night. There are also stories to tell on this semi-rare occasion about how Chinese food semi-relates to the story of Chanukah itself.

On Thanksgiving weekend this year, when Southern Miss plays the once similarly directional Louisiana-Monroe, the fact that turkeys aren’t birds of prey – lest they be not kosher – will make Jews everywhere grateful. Except for Jewish vegetarians. Or vegans. Or last-minute shoppers after the turkeys ran out.

But are there other birds for which Jews can be thankful, regardless of their eating habits? (The Jews’ eating habits not the birds’, because their eating habits can dictate their kosherness. The birds’ kosherness, not the Jews’.)

Are any of humanity’s feathered friends featured in Judaism, or even fleetingly present just on a wing and a prayer? Of course, they are. And not just because some people think that services are for the birds.

The world has recently watched the laying to rest of the Queen of England, whose 70-year reign was nearly as long as the sermon last Yom Kippur. So this is a good time to remind all both of our readers that there was actually a long lineage of monarchy in Jewish history.

Yes, we have the King of Kings. But in addition to Elvis, we have the Big G who created heaven, earth, and income tax. If that’s not enough, while people slept through Sunday School they dreamt about names they subconsciously heard like King David, King Solomon, and King crab legs.

People in the Bible were… people. They put their shoes on one sandal at a time. They ate, drank, and didn’t like getting stung by bees just like people today.

A primary purpose of reading from the Torah every week is to find new things it can tell us about our lives, our world, and our quality of education at religious school.

Given the recent passing (not demise) of Tu B’Av – known by some because of its newer, secular variant on February 14th – it’s apt to look at how our forecestors (including our threefathers and foremothers) first hooked up.

What do those nascent moments say about what to do after giving Jdate a credit card number?

Editorial note: This was scheduled to be a piece about biblical sandals. Due to an erroneous autocorrect that slipped by a pair of nimrods, we apologize for presenting this instead.

Today’s world frequently provides scandals of biblical proportions. So, it might be interesting, and even instructive, to revisit the great scandals that are actually in the Bible.

Instead of doing that, this will be a brief exploration of scandals in the Bible as they’d have been referred to in today’s world. These are presented in the order they occurred in the Torah, except for the ones presented out of sequence.

Watergate – To provide water to the Israelites, Moses was supposed to speak to the rock but he decided he wanted a break in listening to the Big G’s commands, so he hit it instead.

Olympic teams have alternate athletes. In that spirit, perhaps the World Games have alternate sports – ones potentially considered but ultimately excluded. Here are some humble examples.

These are the sports you’d see on ESPN18 – The “Chai”, bringing the finest in seldom-seen Jewish sports from around the globe since 1999 B.C.E. If it’s almost a Jewish sport, they’ve got it there.

These are sports that aren’t represented in the World Games. Or the Maccabiah. Or the Olympics. Yet. Perhaps they’ll be included only in the world to come, or maybe these Jewish games will be added soon. After all, the World Games already include Ju-Jitsu.

It takes less time to read a book than to write one. Similarly, it takes less time to ban a book than to read one.

With that in mind, and given how trendy it is to revoke reading materials lately, it’s a reasonable time to unreasonably jump on the banwagon.

Doing away with pieces of literature often focuses on the young, removing books from school libraries and curricula. Sometimes, however, it’s an attempt to save the sensibilities of the greater (and lesser) reading (and non-reading) public, usually resulting in a spike in a book’s sales the moment its ban is announced.

In the weeks concluding March and starting April, Jews everywhere brace themselves for a major religious occurrence that happens around this time every year.

Yes, it’s when the weekly Torah readings reach the book of Leviticus. As its English/Greekish name implies, Leviticus is largely about the Levites – a litany of laws, lots of which lay out the labors of these loyal lugs. Many people remember little about this book because what Leviticus brings in laws, it lacks in story.

Why is this book more related to baseball than all other books? Because Leviticus and baseball both involve sacrifices.

In the latest sign of divine “everyone better start getting along, don’t make me come down there,” this March 17th brings a crossover holiday so rare that nary a mention has been found in the Talmud nor come out of the Vatican.

Purim and St. Patrick’s Day are an unexpectedly well-aligned merger, more so than many institutional conglomerates. So, for anyone who can’t tell their Mordechai from Mardi Gras, on St. Purim’s Day there’s no need to.

St. Purim’s Day brings together the best of both bashes, into a mega-festival that could shut down many bars and liquor stores due to running out of inventory.

Tu B’Shevat. The Jewish New Year for the Trees. Yes, this holiday exists. After all, trees are people, too, and we have to care for them – it’s not like they grow on trees, you know.

Trees have a long presence in Judaism despite so much of early Jewish history being in deserts. All the way back in the Garden of Eden, there was the Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge – which both lasted thousands of years until George Washington famously chopped them down because Martha was making cherry pie for dessert that night.

The Israelites wandered the desert for forty years and forty nights. Several times, the Torah refers to it as Midbar Sin (Desert of Sin – pronounced like “seen,” not like “naughty deed”). The name of China in Hebrew is also “Sin” – pronounced and spelled the same way.

To this day, rabbinic scholars never admit to endlessly debating about whether the Israelites wandered through the desert all the way to China, or if Midbar Sin is just the part of the desert to which China offered free delivery.

In the recently discovered Talmudic tractate Bava Gump, Rav Telfone, the great communicator, ponders what would happen if holidays occurred at different times of year than they’re scheduled.

Rav Telfone’s initial inspiration was that the new year is celebrated on Rosh Hashanah at the start of Tishrei, near the start of fall, despite the Torah describing the year as starting on the first of Nisan, in the spring month when Japanese automakers were originally expected to announce the new year’s models.

Hello, minyan, my old friend. I’ve come to get you ten again.

Summer months bring school breaks, vacations, camps, day trips, sleeping in more on weekends, and, as a result, fewer people at services on Shabbat or holidays. (Yes, Virginia, there are Jewish holidays during the summer.)

Attending services so sparsely attended that one can hear a tallis clip drop eventually conjures curiosity about the various sounds one hears at services, and the rich history and meaning behind these integral parts of Jewish services throughout the ages, both young and old.

Why is this column different from all other columns?

On all other Passovers, we recite four answers to a single question yet call it The Four Questions. But on this set of other holidays we ask four actual questions.

At least, we once did, according to the recently discovered Mishnah tractate Bava Gump. This Talmudic tome once again reveals the teachings of Rabbi Telfon, the great communicator, and his successor Rabbi Celfon. This time, they impart to us four questions Talmudicly sanctioned to ask on various other holidays throughout the year.

On the second night of Passover, nearly several Jews around the world began counting the Omer. The Omer is the period of forty-nine days beginning with the Exodus out of Egypt and culminating in the Torah being given at Mount Sinai, as commemorated on the holiday of Shavuot and recounted in Omer’s “The Odyssey.”

Earlier this year, it was announced that more Dead Sea Scroll fragments were newly discovered. It was not announced that one of the parchment parts contained a Passover song, specifically about the Omer, that hasn’t been seen in a Haggadah for as long as anyone, dead or alive, can remember.

According to the long-lost, recently discovered Mishnah tractate Bava Gump, there was an eleventh plague. The eleventh plague’s absence from the Torah is nearly as mysterious as the details of the plague itself. This is in no small part because, for millennia, nobody has tried to solve the mystery. Until now.

What did the Big G do to make it a baker’s minyan of plagues? How did the Big G turn it up to eleven? As is unrecorded in the book of Exodus, “And the Lord said, ‘anyone who shall see the Nile shall become senile.’”

As if anticipating that everyone would need a New Year’s Day as over-the-top badly as January 1 just provided, Jewish tradition provides a bonus. In fact, four bonuses.

Jews around the world have four more New Year celebrations in store in 2021, and there’s enough to share. Of course, these four exist every year, but if 2020 taught anything it’s that a sizable minority of the populace isn’t interested in diminishing a wild story with facts. And the more separations from 2020, the better.

SOMEWHERE IN THE SINAI DESERT – The boldest tourist attraction in the history of Israel, the Middle East, and perhaps the world is shutting down before welcoming a single guest.

“Let Your People Go” promised to be the most comprehensive, realistic re-enactment of the exodus from Egypt since the Bible itself. The brainchild of the Sheliach brothers, it was intended to provide an immersive experience for those who don’t get enough from the Passover seder, Shavuot celebration of the giving of the Torah, and eating in a Sukkah.

Over one thousand years ago, a renegade traversed the left side of the roads throughout the Lower East Midlands of England.

He helped the poor through selfless deeds of kindness, and helped enrich the rich by reapportioning their riches to the masses. While he was innocent of any crime, guilt was involved. This was none other than the soon-to-be legendary Rav N Yud.

Throughout the shires of several counties, people knew if Rav N Yud had been there because he’d leave behind a purse with a few pounds in it, and a few pounds of brisket and gefilte fish.

In 2013, I got to play Tevye in “Fiddler on the Roof” for five weeks. For both of you intellectuals out there, I worked in a few Seder Eggs (aka kosher Easter Eggs) that subtly complemented this musical adaptation of Sholem Aleichem’s classic stories.

I wasn’t interested in doing things for mere effect. It’s hard to hear (or notice) audience reactions up there unless they’re big ones. At least, for me it is. The purpose was just to sprinkle a little more fun yiddishkeit into a play already steeped in it.

On the heels of last month’s heart melting convergence of Ash Wednesday and Valentine’s Day comes a triple confluence – a hat trick of multicultural calendar events the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the last time it happened.

Some years, the world is graced with Purim beginning on a Saturday night, which results in what’s uncommonly known as Esther Sunday. This year is even gracier, as April 1st is a confluence of the second day of Passover, Easter Sunday, and April Fools Day.

Of course, there are numerous traditions and observances tied to this rare event, which almost nobody has ever read enumerated in the Talmud.

Throughout the year, most people at synagogue share one common thought: Why can’t services be longer? The rabbis of old, endowed with as much clairvoyant perception as they lacked in sarcasm perception, provided the High Holy Day services.

High Holy Day services give people a chance to reflect. A very big chance – though not enough of one, as the state of society indicates.

Perhaps people would reflect more if they weren’t vampires. Or, if they interspersed their deeper thoughts with random musings such as…

When listening to a Torah reading or Haftarah, one question inevitably arises: What’s for lunch?

During the longest, most interminable part of the service – announcements – the most significant question of the day at last traverses between brain cells: Where are they now?

For parents, this question is usually about their children. But this column pretends that they’re wondering about the people mentioned in the Torah or Haftarah readings.

This year’s “Where are they now” feature explores this question regarding several oft-forgotten souls from the oft-forgotten past whose tales are told starting in the dog days of spring.

The Jewish people have been called many things over the years. The one constant, however, has been the appellation “Jewish.”

This particular name-calling begs the question, why the hesitation? After all, “-ish” is usually a suffix of approximation or uncertainty. “We’ll be there at six-ish.” “His hair was sort of gray-ish.” “I’m thinking about trying the swordfish.”

For decades, there have been debates about Jewish identity. Perhaps the uncertainty comes from the people’s uncertain name itself. Or maybe the name came along to fit the people.

Soon after The Beginning, as the story goes, the Big G sent out an angel with two sacks. One full of wisdom, one full of foolishness. The mission: to spread them both equally throughout the world.

However, the bag of foolishness was heavier and tore, depositing all the foolishness into one place. It was the village of Chelm.

Long before Neil Simon decided to write a play inspired by their stories – it was Fools, which premiered in 1981 – the wise men of Chelm were the fodder of folktales for generations of Eastern European Jews.

Beth Bayit’s longtime rabbi, Robert Rosen-Rosen, was taken into custody charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor by providing him with alcohol. The arresting officers were optimistic that the charge would stick because of the quantity of witnesses.

Trying to dismiss the issue, the rabbi told officers that he had been doing this for years, leading officers to consider adding counts to the charge for every bar or bat mitzvah that Rosen-Rosen had officiated since arriving in Santa Rivkala. They believed the statute of limitations would not apply because Jews do not worship idols.

As almost both of you know, there are 150 Psalms in the Bible. Their authorship is commonly ascribed to King David, primarily because scholars initially misheard “father of Solomon” as “father of Psalms, man.”

While that debate rages on, recent evidence has confirmed that King David was the actual author behind several of the works commonly credited to William Shakespeare. Findings include the original holiday-based play, “Eighth Night or, Oh, You Oil,” and the play originally about the complaints of Jewish mothers-in-law, “Much Ado About Nothing.”

Nonetheless, as a result of the court ruling U.S. versus Fishbein, because Passover intruded into Purim’s usual space in March, Purim is entitled to intrude into Passover’s usual space in April. And to ten thousand dollars worth of airline tickets.

They have some similarities, however. On Purim we are commanded to drink until we can no longer tell the good guy from the bad guy. On Passover we are commanded to drink four glasses of wine, after which we can no longer tell the good wine from the kosher wine.

At this time of year, the hills have just finished being alive with the sound of shofar music. As the echo fades, the traditional season for viewing “The Sound of Music” approaches, because what’s more festive and appropriate for the Thanksgiving and Christmas season than a family being chased from Austria by pre-WWII Nazis?

Aside from being a lovely story about family, “The Sound of Music” has almost several Jewish aspects to it. You just have to really want to see them. So, let this column be your eyeglasses, and take a look at the heretofore or five unobserved Jewish aspects of this classic musical.

Doug Brook

Writing • Theatre • Management • Education

"You can pray there's no such thing as Santa,But as for me and Zaide, we believe..."

Harry Plotzer and the Sanhedrin's StoneHarry Plotzer and the Chamber of ShpilkusHarry Plotzer and the Prisoner of AshkenazHarry Plotzer and the Gabbai of Fire

Bava Gump – the long-lost, recently-discovered Mishnah tractate.From the Talmudists who brought you Bava Metzia and Bava Batra.

"Due to an unintended contractual obligation, we present a slightly different Ask the Rabbi feature..."

REAR PEW MIRRORJEWISH HUMOR – IN BOOK, PODCAST, OR COLUMN

The BOOKS

THE PODCAST

Available on ALL Major Podcast Platforms

THE COLUMN

Back Page Feature in Southern Jewish Life Magazine

2025

Click any title or excerpt to see the full column.

Bar Mitzversaries

November 2025

Shaloha, Y'all

September 2025

Neis Gadol Haya Pope

August 2025

Torahpocalypse: The Final Chapter

July 2025

Let My People Stay

April 2025

DEI-aynu

February 2025

2024

Click any title or excerpt to see the full column.

THE HOCKEY SHTICK

December 2024

THE NEW BOOK SAYS

October 2024

FIDDLER OF THE OPERA

September 2024

LIVE LONG TO 120

July 2024

NOW I HAVE EVERYTHING

May 2024

TORAH'S FUNNIEST MOMENTS: LEVITICUS

April 2024

P'SUKEI MAN

March 2024

2023

Click any title or excerpt to see the full column.

THE PERFECT DREIDEL STUFFER

December 2023

WHAT'S IN A NAME

November 2023

YOM ZOM KIPPOCALYPSE

September/October 2023

THE SOUTHERN KINGDOM

August 2023

RAIDERS OF THE OTHER ARK

July 2023

A WELL-REGULATED MISHNAH

May 2023

FIRST CONTACT SEDER

April 2023

THE PROMISED LIQUOR

March 2023

DOES BO KNOW BO?

February 2023

ASK THE RABBIT, ALEXA

January 2023

2022

Click any title or excerpt to see the full column.

YEAR OF THE LATKE

December 2022

BIRDS OF PRAY

November 2022

ROYAL SUCCESSION

September 2022

TORAH TELLS: MODERN DATING

August 2022

BIBLICAL SCANDALS

July 2022

THE WORLD-TO-COME GAMES

June 2022

BAN ROLL ON

May 2022

"You can pray there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Zaide, we believe..."

Harry Plotzer and the Sanhedrin's Stone
Harry Plotzer and the Chamber of Shpilkus
Harry Plotzer and the Prisoner of Ashkenaz
Harry Plotzer and the Gabbai of Fire

Bava Gump – the long-lost, recently-discovered Mishnah tractate.
From the Talmudists who brought you Bava Metzia and Bava Batra.

REAR PEW MIRROR

JEWISH HUMOR – IN BOOK, PODCAST, OR COLUMN