Brookwrite

The Electorah College

Numbers, 9a

(1) And the children of Israel had designated leaders, one for each of the twelve tribes, and to each of the twelve tribes there was one leader. (2) And they were princes of their tribes leading over the hundreds and the thousands, over the scores and the dozens, and the stray tribesman who wandered off. And they served under Moses.

(3) And the children of Israel realized that they had no say in who their supreme leader would be. (4) And the children of Israel said to Moses, "we realize that we had no say in who our supreme leader would be."

(5) And Moses couldn't understand them because it's hard to distinguish words when 603,550 adult men speak at once. (6) So the Israelites conveyed their message instead through their tribal princes, and Moses heard them but was unamused.

(7) And Moses refrained from bringing the Israelites' concern to the Big G, and then the Big G said to Moses, "I understand you have a message for me." (8) And Moses said, "I was just stopping for a drink before speaking to you, the Israelites realize that they had no say in who their supreme leader would be."

(9) And the Big G told Moses, "remind the children of Israel that I am their supreme leader, who brought them out of their slavery in Egypt and who can put them right back."

(10) And the children of Israel clarified that they were talking about Moses, and apologized for the confusion. (11) And the Big G declared, "on the first Tuesday of the second month of the second year since the Exodus, there shall be an election."

(12) And so the handling of the election was placed in the hands of Alec ben Popla, who would handle the handling of the vote based on the recent census of Israelite men ages twenty and older. (13) And so Gamaliel son of Pedahzur of the tribe of Menashe and Abidan son of Gidoni of the tribe of Benjamin petitioned Alec ben Popla, saying, "Our tribes have barely thirty thousand men each, while some have over one hundred thousand. We'll never be a factor in the vote."

(14) And so Alec ben Popla declared, "there will be two methods to count the vote -- the actual number of votes indicating the overall popular tally across the nation, and a smaller vote by representatives of each tribe apportioned to give smaller tribes more equitable influence as the larger tribes." (15) And this system of election law was known as the Alec Torah vote, until this day."

(16) And Miriam said, "the census included only men aged twenty years and older, but no women." (17) And Alec ben Popla said, "women don't get the right to vote until the year 1919."

(18) And Miriam replied, "according to the Hebrew calendar, that was about three hundred years ago." (19) And Alec ben Popla relented.

(20) And so an election occurred, and Moses won the position of human leader of the children of Israel which he didst already hold anyway. (21) And there were allegations of the election being tainted by Prussian interference, but they were ignored because Moses ran unopposed.

(22) And Moses was sworn in, taking an oath with his hand on a draft of the Bible. (23) And Moses vowed to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land, and he didst doest this thusly.

(24) And Moses turned to the Big G to ask a question. (25) And because the Big G is everywhere, Moses repeatedly spun around in circles which helps explain why the Israelites would take another thirty eight years to traverse just one desert and two books of the Torah.

(26) And Moses said to the Big G, "You are all powerful and all knowing, can you tell us if this system will work for future generations?" (27) And the Big G didst grin, and said, "I am all knowing, so I know enough to stay out of it."

Doug Brook is only part knowing, but also knows enough to stay out of it. To read past columns, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, like facebook.com/rearpewmirror.