Brookwrite

Second day musings

The second day of Rosh Hashanah. Second verse, same as the first. As a result, the mind can wander during services on the second day. That's only because the mind also wanders on the first day.

The following are directions in which one mind wandered during Second Day Services. It has yet to return; authorities are continuing the search...

*****

What do you call a Torah Reader who's retiring soon?

A lein duck.

*****

me (pointing to the Torah): How can you tell that this is the High Holy Day Torah?

gabbai: How?

me: It sounds different.

*****

me (about to do the Chatzi Kaddish)

rabbi: Don't forget the extra "l'aila."

me: Of course. I'm a Clapton fan.

*****

It took six days for the Big G to create the world and everything in it. On the seventh day, He was done with it.

*****

There are only eight more sinning days until Yom Kippur.

*****

Some day, somewhere, someone will have a daughter born on Rosh Hashanah and name her Shauna Tova.

*****

Trying to plan having a child on the exact day of Rosh Hashanah is probably as difficult as it sounds.

*****

Yom Kippur falls late this year. The Yiddish name for such an occurrence is Oktoberfast. It ends with a celebratory Tequila Gedola.

*****

On Shabbat, we're prohibited from carrying stuff. Put up an eruv around an area and you can carry within it. The Hebrew word for "visit" is "bikkur."

This might sound like another rabbinic cop out to let Jews do non-Shabbat things on Shabbat. But it comes straight from the Torah, which says several times when the Big G created the world, "vayehi eruv, vayehi bikkur."

*****

For centuries, rabbis have pondered why the story of Abraham and the sacrifice of Isaac is read on Rosh Hashanah. Also, after giving Abraham the original command, why does He never talk to Abraham again in this story? Obviously, its purpose is so opaque expressly so rabbis would have hundreds of years worth of sermons to speculate about it.

However, it's really very simple. This portion of Genesis is typically read after the baseball season is over, whereas Rosh Hashanah is still just before the playoffs. The Big G gave Abraham the signal to sacrifice. As always when the Big G says to do something, Abraham steps up to the plate. At the last second, in swoops a subordinate like a first base coach waving off the sacrifice and pointing out a nearby ram offering a different chance to work his way around the horn.

Naturally, the Big G was mad and wouldn't speak to him for the rest of the game. Also, ever since, the Angels have been cursed from ever winning the World Series.

*****

Mottled. Isn't that the word describing what happened to Tzeitel?

*****

I wonder how many people get it when I say Shanah Tovah Feldshuh.

***** After hearing the word "b'rito" in the service, how many people start craving Mexican food and don't know why?

*****

Fast of Gedalia explained: Gedalia was big. And fast. The morning after Rosh Hashanah, he won a race so convincingly that nobody else had an appetite the rest of the day.

*****

Tonight I'm going to double feature the classic Rosh Hashanah film, "To Shana Tova, thanks for everything! Jewie Newyear" and the classic Boothsploitation film, "I'm Gonna Git You, Sukkah."

*****

In the land flowing with milk and honey, do the two flow separately? Otherwise, you can’t use the honey for classic Jewish dishes like honey walnut chicken, because milk.

*****

People think that High Holy Day services are longer than services year round. That's only because they are.

But the rabbis took some mercy. The Torah readings are actually much shorter. There's no scientific evidence about whether the Torah readers are much shorter as well.

*****

When studying classical music in high school, I wondered why Yom Kippur services aren't chanted with atonal music.

*****

I have no idea what to write for my October column.

Doug Brook figured out what to write for his October column. To read past columns, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, like facebook.com/rearpewmirror.