Columns - 2018

    A Jew(ish) Hope

    A long time ago, in a Middle East far, far away...

    Episode IV


    It is a period of slaves no more.
    Jewish leadership, helped out by a final plague,
    has won its first victory against
    the evil Egyptian Pharaoh.

    During the evening, Jewish slaves
    managed to steal away after the Pharaoh's
    ultimate downfall, the TENTH PLAGUE,
    a firstborn deletion with enough power
    to destroy an entire nation.

    Pursued by the Pharaoh's sinister chariots,
    fearless Moses races home toward his
    future, custodian of the now-freed slaves that
    will be his people and restore freedom to
    the Middle East....

    "Did you hear that? They've shut down the Egyptian border. We'll be destroyed for sure. This is madness!"

    "We're doomed! There will be no escape for my people this time."

    "Yud Hay Vav Hay, where are you?"

    "At last, where have you been?"

    "They're heading in this direction. What are we going to do? We'll be sent to the salt mines and pyramids, smashed into who knows what!"

    "Wait a minute, where are you going?"

    "Hey, we're not permitted in there. It's restricted. We'll be decapitated for sure."

    "Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overhyped god of Greece! Now come out so that somebody sees you."

    "Secret mission? What plan? What you are talking about? I'm not taking them there!"

    (The Egyptians close in.)

    "I'm going to regret this."

    (They start to cross the suddenly parted Sea of Reeds.)

    That's funny, the Pharaoh doesn't look as bad from out here."

    "Are you sure this path is safe? How did we get into this mess? I really don't know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life."

    (Lot appears, toting a wife-like pillar of salt. Lot is quickly ushered away, handed a contract for a prequel.)

    "We've got to rest before we fall apart. Our matzah's almost risen."

    "What a desolate place this is.

    "Where are you going? I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky. This way is much easier.

    "What makes you think that the Promised Land's over there?"

    "Don't get theological with me."

    "What mission? What are you talking about? I've had just about enough of you!"

    "Go that way! You'll be complaining within a day, you stiffnecked people!"

    "And don't let me catch you following me, begging for help, because you won't get it."

    "No more adventures. I'm not going that way."

    He went that way. They complained within a day. They begged for help, and they got it.

    There were adventures. And sand people. And rebels. And animals that talked and were understood.

    And millions of followers who debated the minutiae of what happened and why, for generations to come.

    Doug Brook is the Last Jedi. Moses was C-3PO. And The Walrus was Paul. To read past columns, visit For exclusive online content, like

    Copyright Doug Brook. All rights reserved.