Brookwrite

Pictures say a thousand words

Later this year will mark the twentieth anniversary of this column. Leading up to that momentous event, a short series of columns are revisiting tidbits from over the years.

This month's column provides excerpts from the original Jewish sources upon which were based numerous well-known films and other pieces in popular culture.

(1999, "Conversion rates")

Dear Superman...
If you have a few minutes between averting nuclear war and rescuing kittens from trees, we hope you can look into another matter for us. Around the time you started coming to services regularly, another recent addition to our community, Clark Kent, mysteriously stopped coming every Saturday. We would appreciate any help you can provide in locating Mr. Kent. He was our best Torah lifter.
-- Metropolis Rabbinic Council

(2005, "Episode IV: A New Trope")

"Jewbaccer here," Ben tells Lou Steinwalker, about a tall heavily bearded character, "is first bass in a group that might suit us."
Another man introduces himself, "Chazan Solo. Jewie here tells me you're looking for help."
"Yes," replies Ben. "If it's at a fast clip."
"A fast clip? I've done Ne'ilah in less than twelve minutes. We're fast enough for you, old man.

(2005, "Harry Plotzer and the Sanhedrin's Stone") "That's Professor Dorledor," Harzione told Harry. "He's been the headmaster of Hogschwartz from generation to generation."

(2005, "Episode V: The Empire Shries Back") "You will go to the Dakota system," says Ben.
"The Dakota system?" replies Lou Steinwalker, barely able to whisper.
"There you will learn from Yona, the Rabbi Master who instructed me," says Ben.
"And it's warmer there than it is here. I may be just a hallucinated image of your dead mentor, but it's freezing here. Are you kidding me with this?!?"

(2005, "Harry Plotzer and the Chamber of Shpilkus")

During a practice duel with Malgoy, he sent a snake after Harry. Harry talked it down, which revealed to him and everyone else that Harry had the rare gift of speaking ParshaTongue -- a language that most people could not master or understand, but recognize when they hear it.

(2010, "Harry Plotzer and the Prisoner of the Ashkenaz")

Harry is befriended by the new Defense Against the Dark Schwartz teacher, Professor Lou Ze'ev, who he is shocked to see wolfing down a potion provided by Harry's nemesis, the surly Professor Snake.

(2011, "Harry Plotzer and the Gabbai of Fire")

Harry turns fourteen and is invited by the Wiesels to join them at the greatest worldwide athletic event for mystics and kabbalists: The Kidditsch Cup. With his friends Ron Wiesel and Harzione Granger, Harry travels to the Cup by Potschke, an object that lets you mess around with space by warping it, to travel great distances instantly.

The night after the game, several people are attacked by Treyf Eaters, followers of the evil Voldybbuk.

(2013, "Kol Nidre the 13th, Part 13")

Since the founding of the United States, and for at least the next millennium, Kol Nidre on Friday the 13th has never, and will never, occur during a "13" year... Except now...

Not since Rebbe Kruger doled out his own brand of judgment via his Nightmare on Chelm Street have the fruits of indiscretion slashed through a community so. But Jason Viduis, a prospective moyel until his tools of choice were deemed too cutting-edge, offered even less concession to each person's confession.

Finally, to end with a song...

(2009, "Bubbe's Been Run Over By a Reindeer")

Bubbe's been run over by a reindeer,
Walking home from Chinese, Christmas Eve,
You can pray there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Zaide, we believe.

She'd had way too much egg foo yong,
And snuck out the last egg roll,
She was off her medication,
And stumbled out during the Hawaii Bowl.

When they found her Christmas mornin',
Tucked behind a Yuletide Bush,
Hoof prints formed a Star of David,
With incriminatin' Claus marks on her tush.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who insists that Lucas and Rowling stole from him. Just read your calendar from right to left. To read these or any other past columns, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, like facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.