Brookwrite

Passing over past Passovers

Later this year will mark the twentieth anniversary of this column. Leading up to that momentous event, the next few columns will revisit timely tidbits from over the years.

(1997, "The Crumbiest Holiday of the Year")

To learn why Passover is a crumby holiday, look no further than between the pages of a well-used Haggadah."

(1998, "Carving a Passover Niche")

The Torah states clearly (if the scribe had good handwriting) that the year begins in Nissan, a mere fifteen days before Passover starts. This excerpt, referred to in rabbinic circles as the Nissan Stanza, contains many rules about this time of year.

So, why do we celebrate the new year in Tishrei instead of the classic Nissan? And why in January, for that matter? This issue is still being studied today by rabbinic scholars at the acclaimed Parisian university and department store, the Nissan Centre.

(1999, "March Madness")

The never before seen, real reasons that each part of the Passover Seder exists:

Karpas -- We eat something green. Why? To remind us that by the time the Seder is over, spring might finally arrive. (Though, at some Seders conducted by bachelors, this is also done to get rid of any remaining food found in the back of the refrigerator while cleaning for Passover.)

(2005, "ManiSchoveThiz")

And now we have Passover, the holiday on which we're commanded to drink so we can't tell the difference between traditional kosher wine and jelly, which are both made from the same grapes.

(2007, "The Seder Code")

"This is the Pascal Limb which reminds us of Blaise Pascal, the French mathematician and scientist for whom a computer language and his children were named."

Consider some of the number of numbers swirling around through the seder: 2: Times our forefathers washed their hands before remembering to say a blessing, then came up with some symbolic reason to justify it. 4: PETA violations recounted in Chad Gadya.

(2009, "Post-Traumatic Seder Disorder")

Bedikat Matzah must be done after sundown at the end of the eighth day of Passover. It should be done as soon as possible, but only after indulging pizza and beer which symbolizes our liberation from nearly 400 half-hours of slavery to ritual product placement sponsored by Manischewitz, Streit's, and others.

(2010, "Seder Masochism")

At all other meals, we can get our carbs from any of several sources, or avoid carbs entirely. At this meal, we are forced to ingest carbs reconstituted from last year's J. Crew dress shirt inserts.

At all other meals, we can use whatever spices we want, or none at all. At this meal, we are forced to eat bitter herbs that have more kick than Herb Tarlek's socks after four episodes of "WKRP in Cincinnati."

(2011, "The Passover Satyr Play")

In his ancient play, Never Enough For Us (The Passover Satyr Play), playwright Chad Gadiah combines all the best traditions of the satyr play form and of the time-honored Passover Seder and the biblical story from which it is derived.

(2012, "Matzah Matter For You")

Every year at the Passover Seder, we ask the unwritten Fifth Question: How do Italian Jews eat during Passover?

Starting from the beginning of the Paschal meal, it is best to ease into the Passover diet. Thus it should begin with a variety of Antimatzo, for those who are decidedly anti-Matzah. The most popular item is a bowl of the classic Matzastrone soup, often counter-balanced with a judicious serving of Calamarror.

(2013, "Purover II: The Search for More")

While Moses was in the desert hanging out at Burning Bush, Mordechai told Moses about Haman's plot. Moses went to King Pharaoh and said, "let my people go." He tried this several times with numerous plagues and no success, so Mordechai called in Esther instead. She married King Pharaoh, made him a couple of feasts, and then said, "let my people live."

(2014, "Haggis Sameach")

Every year, Jews around the world stare at the charoset on their seder tables and think, "well, at least it isn't haggis."

Haggis is, of course, the infamous interloper of Scottish cuisine that for centuries Jewish mothers have used to encourage their children to keep kosher.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who, as evidenced by this column, recycles -- but doesn't bicycle. To read these or any other past columns, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, like facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.