Brookwrite

The Unkosher: Going whole hog

Cravings old as time. Longings old as thyme. Dairy served with beef.

It's the beautiful beast that lurks inside many a Jewish soul. That one unkosher delight that we just can't indulge in. Or only occasionally. Or all the time, and who bothers with all those rules anyway?

The wondering about what chicken parmesan would be like if it weren't a pareve chicken. The dreaming of just once trying a shrimp cocktail, with shrimp.

What if you didn't have to wonder or dream anymore?

Imagine if the world worked in opposite. What if, in these cat days of summer, you found yourself in a world where the rules of kashrut were replaced? Not secretly with Folger's Crystals, but the exact reverse from what we all know and l... are familiar with. Let's find out...

Dairy and Meat

Whenever you eat meat, it is required that you eat something dairy with it. If you're lactose intolerant, you'll have to take it up with the Big G. Similarly, if you eat something dairy, it must be accompanied by a meat product.

After eating meat, you must eat something dairy before six hours elapse. Similarly, you must eat meat within one hour of eating dairy. At least you won't starve. And you must go swimming within thirty minutes after every meal.

Animals

Of the animals of the land, you can eat only those who do not chew their cud and have split hooves. Of all other animals you can partake, unless they have been ritually slaughtered.

Among the fowl animals, you can eat only those that are birds of prey. This means you cannot partake of chicken or turkey, unless you happen to find one reciting the Shema. Such birds of pray are welcome, and go great with provolone.

Of the animals of the sea, you can eat only those that do not have fins and scales. It is acceptable to partake of animals that are weighed on a scale before purchase.

Dishes

You must have a single set of dishes for dairy and meat. As above, you can't eat one without the other anyway, but even your serving dishes can't provide one without the other.

When you use a serving utensil, you must dip it both into a dairy and a meat product at the same time. Otherwise, neither food item is allowed to be consumed.

Packaging

You are not allowed to eat any food whose packaging has the letter K on it, in any form. For example, Kellogg's is developing a special cereal brand: "Ellogg's Special J."

Similarly, you may not partake of any foods that contain the letters O-U on them. Flour is exempt from this limitation. The rabbis argued that nobody partakes of flour itself -- that it's merely an ingredient. Some modern scholars believe that the real reason is they all liked their wives' challah too much.

Shopping

All foods must be bought during the Sabbath. Any food not purchased between sundown on Friday night and sundown on Saturday night is not to be consumed.

To work around this rule, special vending machines are equipped where you can deposit your money on the Sabbath, and during the week redeem your purchase. It just requires planning ahead.

Pareve

Pareve food isn't dairy and it isn't meat. It's the dietary equivalent of a compromise. In this world, the rabbis never disagreed and therefore compromise has never been necessary in rabbinic law. Therefore, no pareve food is required as part of kashrut. Therefore, no non-dairy or non-meat food is allowed to be consumed.

As was stated earlier, those who are lactose intolerant can take it up with the Big G. Vegetarians, take a number in the same line.

This is just a taste of the opposite of kosher. How does that bacon cheeseburger sound now?

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who expects almost several of you, after reading this, to be disgusted into trying to keep kosher just a little more. For past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, follow facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.