Columns - 2015

    The Classified Bible

    What were the unemployment rates in biblical times? What jobs were available, beyond farmer or shepherd?

    Wanted: Dust looking for a change

    Seeking dust of the earth interested in being coalesced into "man" -- the first living being to be created in the Almighty's image.

    Qualifications: Experience being dust. Willingness to be molded and shaped for the future.

    Travel: Some possible. Depends on whether "man" eats from the tree from which he should not eat.

    Benefits: Work closely with other dust. No longer stuck lying around all day. Relative imperviousness to water.

    Timeframe: Must be available to start on Sixth Day.

    Wanted: Boat builder

    Seeking strong, able craftsman to build exceptionally large wooden boat, and run zoological expedition. If successful, possible extension into restarting human civilization.

    Qualifications: Good with gopher wood. Able to do detailed craft work based on arcane design specifications. Ability to command the completed boat through extended inclement weather. Proven track record in animal husbandry (the care and feeding kind).

    Travel: Extensive, once boat is completed.

    Benefits: Not drowning.

    Timeframe: Immediate. Project must be completed before rainy season.

    Wanted: Father of chosen people

    Seeking a motivated self-starter to begin the lineage of the Almighty's chosen people.

    Qualifications: No prior experience of fatherhood or fathering required. Good negotiation skills, a welcoming personality, and a penchant for sacrifice are required. Experience destroying idols preferred. Willingness to slightly change name a plus.

    Travel: Must be willing to relocate.

    Benefits: Offspring as numerous as the stars in the sky. Full dental.

    Timeframe: As soon as possible. There are a lot of stars to catch up with.

    Wanted: Pharaoh's right hand man

    Seeking a right-hand man for ruler of Egypt. Pharaoh requires a visionary, with a vivid imagination.

    Qualifications: Experience interpreting dreams that depict future events. Proven ability to persuade people peacefully without invoking resentment. Experience running an Egyptian household. In case of famine and limited food reserves, must be a rational thinker. Prison record acceptable, but no prior involvement in pyramid schemes.

    Travel: None. They'll come to you.

    Benefits: No technicolor uniform required. Access to secret government files containing answer to the riddle of the Sphinx, and identity of the second shepherd on the grassy knoll. Reserved box seats to all performances of "Cats."

    Timeframe: Available to start prior to seven years of plenty.

    Wanted: People savior

    Seeking a dynamic leader to secure the freedom of an enslaved people, lead them across multiple types of terrain, and effectively prepare them to repopulate their ancient homeland.

    Qualifications: Strong public speaker, though government legislation requires consideration given to candidates who are slow of speech and slow of tongue. Patient with government officials, deities, and stiff-necked peoples. Able to effectively handle a staff (wooden and human). Good sense of direction through desert terrain. Ability to transport large, engraved stone tablets down from a mountain without damage.

    Travel: Must be willing to relocate himself and approximately two million of his best friends. Proficient Travelocity users preferred.

    Benefits: International best-selling novelization of your life story. 401k.

    Timeframe: Immediate need, availability required for next forty years.

    Wanted: Almighty

    Seeking a miracle worker to create the universe as we (are yet to) know it.

    Qualifications: Omniscience. Omnipotence. Omnipresence. Comprehending reader of Omni Magazine. Immortal. Able to withstand continual public scrutiny. Extreme patience required. Ability to establish and encourage adherence to code of living for all creation. Able to create. Clear, unambiguous communicator. Resemblance to George Burns is preferred.

    Travel: None, or constant, depending on demonstrated aptitude for omnipresence.

    Benefits: Dominion over all. Eternal devotion of followers. Office with great view. Diner's Club card.

    Timeframe: Eternal.

    Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who, if he applied himself, could not apply to any of these positions. For past columns, other writings, and more, visit For exclusive online content, follow

    Copyright Doug Brook. All rights reserved.