Brookwrite

Mascots unmasked

Easter has an egg-laying bunny. Thanksgiving has a turkey, a turducken, a group of Lions losing, and -- if you wake up early enough -- a large, helium-inflated hedgehog. Christmas has reindeer, jolly Saint Nick, and Geoffrey the Toys R Us giraffe.

What do the Jewish holidays have? Services.

But wait. For the first -- and last -- time ever, the long lost, recently discovered Mishnah tractate Bava Gump reveals the animal mascots designated for the Jewish holidays.

On Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, everyone eats apples and honey. Therefore, the mascot is a bee. Some rabbis suggested basing it on the apples instead, but nobody wanted to wear an earthworm costume.

The official mascot of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, is the cheetah. Of course, the biggest fast day of the year should be represented by the fastest land animal. But also, because Yom Kippur is a day for cheaters to repent.

Sukkot is honored by the firefly, because they are the least annoying -- and nicest to look at -- of the flying pests that visit these outdoor huts during dinner. (The Talmud makes no mention of this choice being influenced, or decided, by Israelites drinking Firefly vodka in the desert.)

The eighth day of Sukkot, Shemini Atzeret, honors its separation from the rest of Sukkot and its eightness with the ritual octopus. Despite some beliefs, Shemini Atzeret was not the first time an octopus was thrown on the ice to celebrate a Detroit Red Wings home victory.

Simchat Torah, the celebration of the Torah, is symbolized with a cow, whose hide was the original parchment upon which Moses wrote the Torah.

Much like the mascot of the football team perennially playing in bowl games this time of year like no other, Chanukah is represented by the elephant. Though, while it seems like Alabama has played in every postseason since ancient times, there's another reason for the elephant -- go read the complete Chanukah story.

While you do, you'll learn why the official tool of Chanukah is the hammer. After one kids party, you'll learn why the official Chanukah drink for parents is the screwdriver.

Tu B'shvat, the Jewish Arbor Day, appeals to many tree animals. But the mascot is the wisest tree denizen of all, the one who can recite the entire Torah while standing on one branch -- the owl. (You don't understand the recitation because you don't speak owl.)

Purim's mascot is the rabbit. What would springtime be without the Esther Bunny?

So many animals are involved in Passover, in so many ways. Should its mascot be the lamb, of shankbone and Chad Gadya fame? Or the chicken, in case it came before the seder plate's egg? Or perhaps some recompense to the plague-related frog, locust, or cattle that was undeservedly inflicted with disease? None of these.

Passover's symbol is the gefilte fish -- because there is no better use for all that horseradish.

It took the Israelites forty years to cross the desert. Shavuot -- beyond commemorating the giving of the Torah -- is the festival of weeks, representing how long it takes to find two rabbis who agree about something. To best symbolize the molassesque pace at which these things occur, Shavuot is represented by the tortoise.

The Tisha B'Av mascot is the pronghorn -- the often forgotten second-fastest land animal, for the often forgotten second-most significant fast day.

Long before Saint Valentine shot cupid's arrow and saw its shadow, giving young couples six more weeks of winter to keep each other warm, Judaism had Tu B'Av. This Jewish date for dating has had a recent revitalization, and in anticipation of the 20th Century advent of the Teddy Bear, is symbolized by the bear.

Of course, the holiest day of the year is Shabbat -- every Shabbat. What animal best represents the day of rest? The greatest of all sleepers: the cat.

Several rabbis contended that the greatest of all sleepers are, in fact, congregants during sermons. However, to this day, most rabbis agree that, with few exceptions, congregants are not animals -- even though several sound like animals while snoring.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who believes every Jewish holiday is better with Animal from The Muppet Show. For past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, follow facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.