Brookwrite

Rebbe Wan Kenobi -- An Exclusive Interview

A short time ago, in a Starbucks not far, far away...

...it was realized that Starbuck, being a central character in Battlestar Galactica, was causing a mixing of franchises. So, the short time ago moved to a Peet's, slightly less far, far away...

...where the elder statesman of an iconic franchise, Obi-Wan Kenobi, sat down for a cup of coffee, and for a major revelation...

Thank you for taking the time. Might I say, you have quite a glow about you.

I get that a lot these days.

Let's get right to it. What's your major revelation?

Billions of people have operated for decades under a false assumption. The Jedi Order that is so well-known, is actually The Rabbi Order.

Excuse me?

Of course. I believe it's past the counter, second door on the right.

How is this possible?

For thousands of years, the Rabbis have suffered from things being lost in translation. It's an all too common mistake.

You're saying that, in a galaxy far, far away, there are rabbis who run around in cloaks, wielding lightsabers to keep order?

Yes. Except for the lightsabers on Shabbat -- no electricity. That prohibition does cause some problems -- pretty easy to know when to gang up on us. But, on the positive side, religious school classes are much more orderly.

So, it wasn't the Jedi who were wiped out, but all the rabbis?

Another exaggeration. Of course, there have been times in history when rabbis were targeted. After one particularly bad instance in time, I went into hiding. I changed my name and went into a self-imposed exile until the time was right to return.

You didn't change your name very much.

It was enough, though, wasn't it? I was never found until I wanted to be found. You should like the name change -- it's the strongest evidence of my roots.

How do you mean?

I simply went by the name of Ben Kenobi -- son of Kenobi.

So, the stories from the six films so far aren't entirely accurate to what actually happened?

That's correct. These aren't the drash you're looking for...

Can you give an example?

Luke's original training isn't at all what I intended. I was simply telling him to attend Yom Kippur services.

How is that even possible?

Common misconception. I didn't say to him, "You will go to the Dagobah system. There you will learn from Yoda...

I said, "You will go to the Day of Atonement service. There you will learn from Yonah..."

Are you saying that the biblical prophet Jonah was a tiny little green guy who sounded like Miss Piggy with a chest cold?

Not originally. He started out six-foot-five and blond. See how you look and sound after three days inside a whale.

Anything else lost in the translation?

Plenty. For example, Jabba the Hutt was really Jabba the Sukkah. The films translated their name to be better understood by mass audiences. The Sukkah name shows that Jabba was destined to be important, yet nothing more than a temporary obstacle.

But you have to admit that there's nothing overtly Jewish in any of the films.

There is, in a way. The Jawas, the local traders, were an homage to the local Jewish traders living and working in the desert. They were portrayed as a relatively inoffensive, nomadic people, speaking in a quick language that nobody understands. But, unfortunately, they were also portrayed as scrawny and devious, so we don't like to talk about it very much.

Well, thank you for your time. I have just one more question for you.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

What words do you have for the Jewish people if we never find peace in the Middle East?

Hopefully, we will find peace. But if not, isn't it obvious? The wars will be with you... always.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who once bulls-eyed a womp rat in his T-16 back home. They're not much bigger than two meters. His Genesis satire, Original Synergy, premieres this month at Theatre Chevruta. For past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, follow facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.