Brookwrite

Thought for food

It all started with the presentation of a half-empty bag of kosher taffy, called Orthodox Chews.

The label indicated that they are salt water taffy, which seems an apt homage to the Dead Sea. But the label also called them "A Chewish Tradition," which would make any Star Wars fan suspect that they might taste like wookie.

This line of sleep-deprived thought led to pondering the variety of flavors that could be appropriate to Orthodox Chews. What if -- inspired by the jellybeans in Harry Plotzer and the Sanhedrin's Stone all the way through Harry Plotzer and the Deadly Challahs -- the flavors went far beyond the norms for said confection?

After all, wouldn't the flavor of a grey Orthodox Chew be gefilte fish? If so, it follows that a black one would be a brisket taffy. A red one would taste like marror. A white one would be a marror stronger enough to make your Ma roar.

The burnt ones taste like homemade latkes. The pink ones taste like lox. The purple ones go down like Manischewitz.

This could lead one to think that silliness is ruling the day, and that a blue Orthodox Chew would taste like an Israeli flag stripe. Please. The blue ones taste like the colored strand in the tzitzit on a tallis. (Which actually might taste like the stripe on an Israeli flag...)

The brown ones taste like the fronds on the sukkah when it's finally taken down three months after sukkot ended. Yellow would taste like etrog, and green would shake your taste buds like a lulav.

This then makes the train of thought derail into wondering how any of the foods associated with Jewish holidays make sense. Why does nothing say "happy new year" to Jewish palates like apple dipped in honey?

On Rosh Hashanah, Jews are supposed to eat apples dipped in honey to symbolize having a sweet year. And then, almost instantly, Jews are shown exactly how sweet a year they'll have by dealing with cleaning the honey from their kids' now-sticky hands and from their nice High Holiday clothes. (Granted, this is nothing compared to what sometimes has to be cleaned up after secular New Year celebrations, but still...)

Speaking of which, consider Purim. Hamantashen is supposed to be based on the three-pointed hat worn by the arch enemy. Are Alabama fans supposed to create a dessert in the shape of a visor after beating South Carolina? It could be worse: Hamantashen could've been based on something else of his, if one changed the final "a" to a "u."

Consider Passover. (After all, you're already less than eight months away from starting to cook.) How could matzah be designated the Jewish bread of affliction by a people who have spent generation after generation picking rye seeds from between their teeth?

What about eating dairy, particularly cheesecake, on Shavuot? Why mix dairy with the holiday during the warmest part of the year, giving its food a table-life shorter than the blessing over eating it? And why tie the delicacy (to most people) that is cheesecake to a holiday that (to most people) is forgotten, not just for what it commemorates but even for its existence on the calendar?

Chanukah makes much more sense. The connection between the resanctification of The Temple by the Maccabees, after some thoroughly revolting behavior, is perfectly commemorated by jelly-filled doughnuts. (The preceding paragraph was brought to you by your friends at Krispy Kreme. This Chanukah , check out our seasonal Snowmensch and Red Velvel offerings.)

Finally, consider Yom Kippur. What? Food associated with Yom Kippur? Just try to say that -- given all we know about the Talmud and rabbinic debate -- that the following isn't entirely plausible: The rabbis debated for so long about what food to associate with the holiest of days that is Yom Kippur that, before they knew it, Kol Nidre had to start, and there was no food at all to be had.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who has never tasted taffy of any kind. Or wookie. For past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, follow facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.