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We've secretly replaced the biblical setting of these ancestral assignations with twenty-first century online dating. Let's see if they notice.

Eliezer: Hey.

Rebecca: Hey.

Eliezer: New on JDate?

Rebecca: Yes. You?

Eliezer: Yes. Well, no. I mean, I'm not on JDate for me.

Rebecca: Excuse me?

Eliezer: Well, I work for this guy named Abraham...

Rebecca: Look, I don't think...

Eliezer: Let me explain. He's got this son, Isaac. He's a good guy. But he's stuck at home, and Abraham, his father, wants him to have a wife from his birthplace -- which is where you're from.

Rebecca: A wife? Jesus, buy a girl dinner first, at least.

Eliezer: Who's Jesus?

Rebecca: Some Jewish carpenter. But he's a little too young for me.

Eliezer: Anyway, before I left, Abraham made me swear that I would not bring a wife for his son Isaac from the daughters of the Canaanites, so I put my hand under his thigh and vowed...

Rebecca: You put what where?

Eliezer: Never mind. You're right. I can't do this. I told him that a woman might not want to return with me. I asked him if I could bring Isaac with me, and he made me swear that wouldn't happen, too. Sorry to have wasted your time.

Rebecca: Wait, wait. It's okay... Is he a good match?

Eliezer: As your years go by with him, you'll find him only more blinded by love for you.

Rebecca: Easy, killer. Tell you what, let's meet at the local watering hole. The one in Aram Naharaim?

Eliezer: Sure! I'll meet you there! I'll be the one with ten camels.

Rebecca: Thank you, I don't smoke. By the way, is he young?

Eliezer: Who, Isaac? Sure. He's... His life so far has been as short as a stroll your descendants might take through the desert.

Speaking of Isaac and Rebecca's descendents...

Jacob: Hey.

Rachel: That's how you say hello to a lady?

Jacob: Sorry. I'm glad I found you on here.

Rachel: Me, too.

Jacob: It was nice meeting you at the local watering hole. It's turning into a family tradition.

Rachel: Your family hangs out at bars?

Jacob: No. I mean my father met his wife at a local watering hole. Well, actually, my grandfather's servant met her there, and he brought her home to him.

Rachel: Servant? Your family can afford servants... Interesting... It was nice meeting you, too! You come around here often?

Jacob: I only needed to once to meet you.

Rachel: LOL.

Jacob: What does that mean?

Rachel: Everything you say is written in a scroll with no vowels or punctuation and you're on my case about an acronym?

Jacob: OMG, you're right.

Rachel: This is no time for prayer.

Jacob: So... what do I have to do to win your heart?

Rachel: Work for my father for seven years.

Jacob: Excuse me? Was that a typo?

Rachel: Which part?

Jacob: Any of it being a typo will help.

Rachel: No typos.

Jacob: Seven years, huh?

Rachel: I'm worth it. Trust me.

Jacob: Your humility makes you so hot.

Rachel: No, living in the desert does.

Jacob: LOL.

After seven years of labor, Laban secretly replaced Rachel the bride with her sister, Leah. Let's see what happened, since he did notice.

Rachel: Why are we talking on this thing again? Aren't we long past dating?

Jacob: I don't know. Let me ask my wife.

Rachel: Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that. But when my father sets his mind about something, he sets his mind about something.

Jacob: I wasn't trying to marry your father. Though at this rate, he might be next for all I know.

Rachel: I'm sorry. She's older, she had to go first. But, look, you can marry me next.

Jacob: I just have to work another seven years for it?

Rachel: Well, yeah...

Jacob: And I'll be married to both you and your sister.

Rachel: Yup... You know... There are a few other websites where that kind of thing is pretty popular...

Jacob: You're going to get into a lot of trouble for saying that.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who is going to get into a lot of trouble for saying that. For past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, follow facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.