Brookwrite

Primary Concerns

"Ask not what The Lord can do for you, ask what you can do for The Lord."

That's how Moses famously concluded his inaugural address, but how did he get to that point? Only after an arduous campaign that would make forty years in the desert seem like a stroll on the beach.

While almost several of you set out to vote in various election primaries, consider that the level of civility and decency prevalent in the modern American political machine is not a new development.

Most people don't consider that smear tactics, sarcastic quips, and bombastic claims have riddled campaigns since the found ing of the United States of America in 1776, when Columbus sailed the ocean... Styx?

But it didn't start there, either. Civil unrest and dissatisfaction with leaders goes all the way back to the Days of Yore B.C.E., specifically to when the Israelites wandered in the Sinai for forty years and forty nights.

While you've stepped out or zoned out during Torah readings, you've missed many exciting episodes which would rival much of primetime television if only King James hadst writteneth not in utilization of language which casteth even unto Shakespeare a more greaterly discernable light.

The Israelites rebelled against Aaron while Moses was having a second cup atop Mount Sinai, which resulted in the Golden Calf, and Moses treating his resulting tension headache by smashing up two tablets.

The Korach rebellion, which almost several of you will hear read later this month, was a family affair. Moses's cousin felt left out, and suborned insurrection with a few hundred followers. In a move that political leaders today wish they could employ, the rebels were consumed by the ground or devoured by a fire from heaven.

The people complained about the manna -- the one-taste-fits-all food that fell from heaven every day in the desert. When the Israelites asked for a salad bar one too many times, the response was "let them eat quail." And they ate quail. And it was bad.

Moses sent twelve spies into The Promised Land. Ten returned with terrible reports, predicting defeat, gloom, doom, and the recording career of Barry Manilow. The other two spies, Joshua and Caleb, returned with good reports and then got stoned. But not in the fun way.

If you're still not convinced, consider the following actual quotes from the forty years in the desert which were lifted by future American politicians. As Tevye once attributed to King David, Moses was slow of speech and slow of tongue. This led him to the sage wisdom, "Speak softly and carry a big staff."

Other famous quotes from Moses inspired leaders for millennia to come, including:

"Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is The Lord Himself."

"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the desert."

"The shekel stops here."

And what of Moses' detractors and competitors? Throughout the Torah, they spoke to the people of Israel, saying:

"It depends on what the meaning of the word is."

"Are you better off than you were forty years ago?"

"I served with Moses. I knew Moses. Moses was a friend of mine. Sir, you're no Moses."

"A manna in every pot, a camel in every tent."

"Yes, we can! If we ever get out of this desert."

"When I was in Egypt, I experimented with incense a time or two and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and I never tried it again."

"Read my lips, no new burnt offerings."

"I am not a kibitzer."

Last, and certainly least, is the propensity for falsehood. On one level, candidates make promises that are either empty or end up that way. Some say things that are outright lies. Some are simply misinformed.

Either way, one quote stands out from the rest of the Torah in perpetuating "facts" harder to believe than Noah tolerating the smell of all those animals:

"You can actually see Russia from land here in the desert."

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who abstains, courteously. For past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, follow facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.