Brookwrite

The most interesting rabbi in the world

When he graduated from the Seminary, the rabbis on faculty asked for his reference.

He officiated his own bar mitzvah.

His congregants complain that his services aren't long enough.

He can wing a drash better than the best cooks can sling corned beef hash.

His opinions are so insightful, that the Great Sages decided to put them in the Talmud. Two thousand years ago.

When he pours Manischewitz, it actually tastes good.

He is a Jewish exorcist -- he knows how to throw de book at a dybbuk.

His congregants walk to services, no matter how far away they live.

His kitchen is kosher enough for everyone.

When he drinks enough on Purim to not be able to tell Mordechai from Haman, he can still tell Mordechai from Haman.

His tallis never falls off his shoulders. Even without tallis clips.

He doesn't need a second rabbi; he can have three opinions all by himself. And it's hard to dispute any of them.

His marror has been productized by drug companies as a cold and allergy cure.

He figured out how to make chicken parmesan kosher. And it was very good.

His bnai mitzvah all lead Jewish lives.

He has to urge people to leave the sanctuary after services to go to the Oneg before it gets cold.

He teaches bnai mitzvah students without them knowing they're learning.

On Purim, he can chant in one breath the names of Haman's eleven sons. And the rest of the chapter.

His congregants all know what they believe, what they don't believe, why, and what makes it okay.

He can trace his lineage, name-by-name, back to the Exodus from Egypt. And he still uses his great(x88)-grandmother's original recipe for matzah.

Every wedding he officiates lasts for their lifetime.

After he takes off his tefilin, his arm doesn't have strap marks.

When he shakes a lulav, the change in air current affects the weather.

His kippah never falls off.

He knows every Yiddish joke ever told, and tells them all better.

He makes religious school parents care about religious school.

When he throws out the first pitch at Jewish Heritage Night, the home team has him stay in the game for the first seven innings.

His ritual committee agrees with him.

His congregants complain that his sermons aren't long enough.

He counts as two people toward a minyan.

He is so skilled a moyel, he doesn't need a scalpel. And the baby never cries.

While standing on one foot, he can recite the entire Torah. Unabridged.

After Neilah, and twenty-six hours of fasting, his congregants stay.

He knows the full, seventy-two letter name of the Big G, because they are on a first-name basis.

The houses of Hillel and Shammai both agreed with him. And he wasn't even born yet.

He can roll an entire Torah in under sixty seconds.

His conversion classes are no longer allowed to be visited by clergy of other faiths, because they kept converting.

He knows the solution to peace in the Middle East. He also has an idea or two for peace on the synagogue board.

When someone drops a Torah, he always makes a diving catch just in time. Even if it's dropped at another synagogue.

All of his congregants know what day of the Omer yesterday was. And why they should know yesterday instead of today.

His favorite college football team holds kickoff until after Havdalah, without him asking. And CBS agreed to it.

When he chants Torah, the entire congregation understands every word. Even if they don't know Hebrew. Even if they didn't come to services.

He can drive a car without breaking the rules of Shabbat.

When he leads a minyan, he has to send ten people home.

He knows how to always leave 'em wanting more. Even after they sing Dayenu.

He is... the most interesting rabbi in the world.

"I don't always drink schnapps. But when I do, I prefer to drink l'Chayim...

"Stay noshy, my friends."

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who sincerely apologizes to any rabbis who are evaluated based on these standards during contract renewal. His short Cain and Abel satire, "Murder of the First," will be staged at Birmingham Festival Theatre on May 6th. For past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, enjoy facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.