Brookwrite

Parched pigskin

by Doug Brook
Southern Jewish Life columnist

For eighteen years, I've tried to educate Californians about real college football. To wit, that anyone born in the state of Alabama must instantly declare allegiance to Alabama or A*burn, or they get shoved back in because they're obviously not done cooking yet.

In recent years, I've addended that occasionally one will choose UAB or Troy, but they're usually kept for a few weeks of observation in the NICU.

I recently observed that the only thing I find more difficult to explain than real college football is the details of Torah reading.

Therefore, it seemed like a logical first step might be to explain Torah reading in the context of college football.

After all, college football and the reading of the Torah combine to be central to most people's Saturday prayers. The parallels are endless. Big Torah readings are tougher to tackle. Torah readers often fumble while trying to carry through that extra yard.

Most spectators prefer a Torah reading that is fast-paced. Roughly the same percentage of fans at a football game understand the Torah reading as worshippers at most services.

Torah Readers come equipped with about 25 trope-based melodies at their disposal, roughly the same number of different plays most football teams run in a game.

With the advent of the triennial system, the world of Torah reading has incorporated the read option.

The Torah reader is essentially the player on the field with the ball, though in this case it's more likely to be a sheepskin than a pigskin.

However, there are more people involved in Torah reading than just the Yad-carrier.

The Gabbai -- who stands alongside the podium, calling people up and correcting the reading -- is essentially the referee. Thanks to one traditional tallis design, many Gabbais even wear black and white stripes while officiating.

By virtue of their role as correctors, Gabbais can call for instant replays whenever they feel a mistake was made.

Further, as a consequence of the position, the Gabbai has the singular duty of ascribing numerous infractions throughout the Torah service. For example...

Any Torah Reader who, after the initial blessing is completed, takes more than five seconds to find the start of the reading in the scroll, shall be penalized for delay of leyn.

Any Torah Reader who forgets to precede a Torah reading with "amen," unless reading for their own aliyah -- or any Reader who starts in the wrong place -- shall be penalized for a false start.

Any Torah Reader who stops the aliyah before its proscribed ending shall be guilty of an incompletion.

Any Torah Reader who stops and corrects himself before the Gabbai can interject shall be credited with a fair catch.

Any Torah Reader who suddenly realizes a different trope note applies to the current word, and tries to cram the different melody on the end of that word, shall be penalized for a late hit.

Any Torah Reader who reads an entire parshah shall be credited with running the length of the field. (It cannot be driving the length of the field, because driving is prohibited on Shabbat.)

Any Magbiah who drops the Torah because he unrolled it too far shall be guilty of having run a spread offense.

Any Torah Reader who directly touches the parchment with a finger instead of the ritual Yad shall be penalized for illegal use of the hands.

Any Torah Reader who does a victory dance of any kind at the conclusion of a reading, no matter how challenging, shall be penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct. As the late Talmudic scholar Bear Bryant taught, when you get to the end zone, act like you've been there before.

Of course, all this begs one question. In college football, there are two teams competing against each other. What does a Torah reading compete against?

College football.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who, as a freshman, at the 1986 Regional in New Orleans scored the first touchdown for Mesch AZA (#41) in anyone's memory, and another, and two safeties on defense. Just don't ask about the championship game against Peres. For past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, like facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.