Brookwrite

A Trip to Thanksnutevka

by Doug Brook
Southern Jewish Life columnist

As a child of the 1980s, the first time I saw the film Fiddler on the Roof I had the same awestruck reaction as many of my Jewish peers: "Hey, that's Dr. Zarkov from Flash Gordon!"

Suddenly, to a generation raised on Star Wars and Star Trek, or -- as my mother put it -- Star Garbage, Judaism was just a little more cool.

But before regaling you with tales of Tevye, Sholem Aleichem, or fiddlers on hot tin roofs, first a brief explanation why this column is contradicting the popular demand from nearly a couple of you, by declining to provide the ultimate comedic take on Thanksnukah.

Why decline? Too many reasons. First of all, half of the free world has already written about Thanksnukah, or at least invested time in trying to determine how to spell it.

And that's the first problem: There's widespread disagreement about what to even call it, let alone how to spell it. It makes spelling Hanukkah seem as easy as drinking Manischewitz.

A simple stroll around the internet clearly shows two things. One, there are many supplements available to enlarge or reduce whatever you might want enlarged or reduced. And you know you can trust them because their makers were too focused and efficient to get bogged down in things like the FDA approval process.

Two, the internet clearly shows that there's Thanksgivukkah, Thanksgivenukkah, Thanksnukah, Thanksnukkah, and many others that will make the Spellchecker crawl out of my Mac in disgust.

Of course, Thanksnukah is so obviously the best choice, that this column will spare both of you readers from any wasting of words to further justify this obviousnessitude.

Those wasted words would have delayed reading about the other reasons to avoid covering Thanksnukah, such as how millions of Jews will be disappointed when they realize that this portmanteau will eliminate one late-year food holiday from 2013.

Hanukkah itself is already a holiday of Thanksgiving. The combination of them makes all the more glaring the general lack of awareness of this actual meaning of Hanukkah, thus putting off scholars from their latkes even more than making them from sweet potatoes will.

Further, modern society being what it is -- with these kids these days and their rock-n-roll -- it can't afford any concatenation or reduction of celebrations of gratitude. The world needs all it can get.

Speaking of concatenation, someone in this great nation will eventually recall that the official animal of Thanksgiving is the turkey, and the animal of choice for Hanukkah is the elephant. No attempt at combining them ends well.

Imagine religious school teachers describing the Maccabeean battlefields filled with turkephants. If Cole Porter were alive to see this, he'd have to write of the pilgrims, "'stead of landing on Plymouth Rock, a turkephant would land on them."

And what of the dreidel? After someone hits Shin and is supposed to give up a bunch of gelt, will they now get a chance at splitting the wishbone for the chance to get their bounty back?

But back to the main thrust of most Jewish celebrations: the food.

Until this year's calendaric collision, Hanukkah was heretofore unsullied by the questionable Cajun culinary conundrum known as Turducken. What's worse, Hanukkah's latkes might inspire too many Jews to complement these fried potato pucks with a deep fried turkey.

Worst of all: cranberry-jelly doughnuts.

Last, and certainly least, the first night of Hannukah falling on Erev Yom Turkey makes Thanksnukah a sad harbinger of seven more nights of presents that will be real turkeys. After all, while most Christmas sales start in July or August these days, the good sales don't hit until well after Thanksnukah will have come, gone, and conquered via turkey-induced tryptophan tippling.

Like it wasn't already difficult enough to get people to show up for Shabbat Yom Turkey services, the one time each year we recite the special Hallel prayer, Tarnegol Hodu LaHashem Ki Tov.

So now, with the remaining column-inches, let us away to Anatevka, a dear little village that...

Doug Brook is playing Tevye in November and December in Silicon Valley, and had the good fortune to meet both Topol and Theodore Bikel earlier this year. Whether they'll admit it or not. For past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, like facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.