Brookwrite

The way to Eden

by Doug Brook
Southern Jewish Life columnist

What did the rabbi say when the neighborhood was locked down during services? "I've always wanted to pray to a captive audience."

What are the chances that rabbi's contract was renewed? The same as the chances of finding two rabbis with fewer than three opinions between them.

For many years, in many places, Jews have spent history entrapped, encamped, ghettoized, ostracized, and circumcised. So it's only natural that many Jews today have a strong impulse to travel now that we live in an era of relative freedom and all-night buffets on most major cruise ships.

But where should we go? Through the centuries, many people have told us. Some have tried to send us there. Some of us have even told each other where to go, though this behavior is usually limited to during synagogue board meetings.

Some Jews, in exercising their newfound freedom to explore most of the free world and west Texas, ironically travel back to The Old Country. Ancestral lands are important to the Jewish people, and with all the wandering and expulsions, there are a lot of them. But there's one that hasn't yet been breached -- the most ancestral home of all.

For many millennia, and for several seasons of "I Dream of Jeannie," many men have yearned to find their way to Eden. Here, for the first time, are details of the amenities and features for vacationing in The Garden of Eden.

Dining -- Continental breakfast is available all day. This self-serve buffet is spread throughout the resort, and features only the ripest fruit possible -- freshly harvested from the tree. The overall menu is particularly vegetarian-friendly, and there are no artificial ingredients or preservatives of any kind, anywhere on the premises.

The trees of life and knowledge are currently unavailable. They are under government quarantine, pending review from the Health Department. Eating from these trees will result in a no-refund expulsion from the resort.

Dress Code -- Competitors in the travel industry have spread wild rumors that Eden is a nudist colony. Rest assured that Eden is a family-friendly environment.

Admittedly, the dress code is rather relaxed, but people have found Eden to be a comfortably accoutered environment where a wide variety of natural weaves and blends are particularly welcome. (Mixtures of wool and linen are not allowed.) After all, Eden is known worldwide as the place where fig leaves never go out of style.

Wildlife -- Enjoy Eden's wide open spaces where for many miles it can be just you and the native animals. From the start, Eden has been sparsely populated, so there are whole areas untouched by mankind's presence.

You might encounter animals never before seen -- if you do, you can even name them! However, as you explore, beware of talking snakes.

Security -- Your privacy is assured during your stay in Eden. Despite that, the proprietor keeps a watchful eye on everything to ensure the sanctity of our resort stays intact.

Spa -- A natural hot springs is available for your relaxation. Plenty of mud and natural oils are on hand for various skin treatments. Many waterfalls, rock gardens, and other natural habitats are scattered throughout to provide for secluded meditation and relaxation needs.

Travel -- While inaccessible by plane, train, boat, or car, there are several cutting-edge modes of transportation to reach Eden.

Dr. Emmett Brown of Hill Valley offers a luxury DeLorean service, though you must provide your own small amount of plutonium, or other 1.21 gigawatt power source. There is a British (sounding) Doctor who offers safe transport -- to one or two companions at a time -- in a police call box that's smaller on the outside than on the inside.

And, for the literate traveler who enjoys more old-style modes of travel, contact the estate of Herbert George Wells.

With all these offerings, you can see for yourself whether The Garden of Eden is your ideal vacation destination.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who believes that The Way To Eden is one of the most unfortunate episodes of the original Star Trek series. For past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, like facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.