Brookwrite

Where you hang your kippah

by Doug Brook
Southern Jewish Life columnist

Through the course of Jewish history, the term "house" has meant many things.

The first and second Temples were referred to as "haBayit," which literally means "the house." Their builders putting massive stones in place was the first known instance of people "rockin' the house."

Of course, the first Temple was built by King Solomon and, as we read every Shavuot, the second Temple was known as "the House that Ruth built" -- a phrase that has unfortunately been purloined by pinstriped pretenders from the Bronx.

More recently, Lisa Edelstein starred for seven years as the ex-girlfriend and boss of the title character on Fox's "House, M.D." (Check local listings.)

While Hugh Laurie's title character would think that "House of worship" refers to him, through the last couple thousand years Jews have been building local houses of worship made of boards and foundations that they can only hope are, in the long term, stronger and more cohesive than the boards that run them.

But before this devolves into extending the tangent to TV's short-lived "House Calls," or even worse, to the short-yet-too-long-lived "After M*A*S*H," consider another source of biblical reference to the place where Jews traditionally hang their beanies.

As almost both of you know, there are 150 Psalms in the Bible. Their authorship is commonly ascribed to King David, primarily because scholars initially misheard "father of Solomon" as "father of Psalms, man."

While that debate rages on, recent evidence has confirmed that King David was the actual author behind several of the works commonly credited to William Shakespeare. Findings include the original holiday-based play, "Eighth Night; or, Oh, You Oil," and the play originally about the complaints of Jewish mothers-in-law, "Much Ado About Nothing."

Either way, this column guarantees that no rabbinic scholar will take the time to deny that the recently discovered Mishnah tractate Bava Gump reveals some never-before-seen Psalms.

Psalm 30 is commonly known as a Psalm associated with Chanukah, as its first verse includes the phrase, "chanukat haBayit," meaning it is for the dedication of the Temple that David was himself forbidden to build.

Bava Gump reveals that there was, in fact, a follow-on Psalm intended for the dedication of an individual's house. Fortunately, the text of that Psalm was perfectly preserved for these thousands of years, hermetically sealed in what archaeologists believe to have been an ancient mayonnaise jar.

Once they recovered from the rind of the ancient mayonnaise, they provided the following translation.

Psalm 30.5
A Psalm, a song to the dedication of a house, by David.

I will extol you, Oh Lord, for they hadst raised my rent, and hadst not suffered mine neighbors to rejoice over me leaving.

Oh Lord, my closets cried unto Thee, and Thou didst relocate me;

Oh Lord, Thou broughtest up my soul from the nether-hood; to downpay in figures five, that I should not go down in a money pit.

Sing praise unto the Lord, for walk-in closets won, and give thanks for this roof's high frame.

Neighborly anger is but for a moment, no paint job lasts a lifetime; sweeping may tarry for the night, but maids cometh in the morning.

Now I have said to my HOA: 'I shall never be moved.

Thou hadst established, Oh Lord, my property line as a stronghold -- They didst hide my fence; I was affrighted.

Unto Thee, Oh Lord, did I call, and unto the bank I made application:

'What profit is left after my flood, when I had to fill that pit? Shall the rust raise past my knee? Shall it require a roto-root?

Hear, Wells Fargo, be gracious unto me; Lord, be Thou my co-signer.'

Thou didst turn for me my moving into nesting; Thou didst loose my floorplan, and grid me with solar;

So that my mortgage may not raise its fee, and not be delinquent; Oh, Lord, my God, I will pay property tax and lien forever.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley whose house is anchored, via a long rope, to a large rock in western Nevada... Just in case. For past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, like facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.