Brookwrite

Purover II: The Search for More

by Doug Brook
Southern Jewish Life columnist

Normally this month would cover Passover, but by now the matzah has been covered, uncovered, broken, eaten, disliked, and stuffed back into the shirt packaging where it belongs.

Nonetheless, as a result of the court ruling U.S. versus Fishbein, because Passover intruded into Purim's usual space in March, Purim is entitled to intrude into Passover's usual space in April. And to ten thousand dollars worth of airline tickets.

Not that the two holidays are particularly similar. Purim commemorates a time when the Jews were in peril, and saved. Passover, on the other hand, commemorates a time when the Jews were in peril, and saved.

They have some similarities, however. On Purim we are commanded to drink until we can no longer tell the good guy from the bad guy. On Passover we are commanded to drink four glasses of wine, after which we can no longer tell the good wine from the kosher wine.

Some are also commanded to not drink Elijah's cup of wine at the end of the seder, but some commandments were made to be broken. After all, pouring it back in the bottle just won't do, and pouring it down the sink is alcohol abuse. Unless it's Manischewitz.

Moses, our emissary in the Passover story, went to Pharaoh many times, and needed ten plagues to convince Pharaoh to let his people go get just a head start. Esther was in position to emisserate the Purim story because she won a beauty contest and married the King. Perhaps the Exodus from Egypt would have been easier if Moses could have nailed the swimsuit competition.

For these and other reasons too few to count, this is the merged Purover story, as told this year at every seder that readers of this column did not attend. (You don't know. Neither of you were there.)

In the days of Moses and Esther, which due to an error in stitching parchment together appeared as one, King Pharaoh needed a new Queen. Esther was persuaded to audition for So You Think You Can Be Queen by her uncle Mordechai, who had hoped to have the house to himself again after she graduated from Memphis.

Haman, King Pharaoh's right-hand man, was insulted because Mordechai wouldn't bow to him, so he enslaved his people for four hundred years. One day, Haman's wife caught him playing the lottery, which he wasn't supposed to do anymore because they had ten mouths to feed. So Haman covered by saying he was just choosing a day for Esther's people to die.

While Moses was in the desert hanging out at Burning Bush, Mordechai told Moses about Haman's plot. Moses went to King Pharaoh and said, "let my people go." He tried this several times with numerous plagues and no success, so Mordechai called in Esther instead. She married King Pharaoh, made him a couple of feasts, and then said, "let my people live."

Now, which of them had a better sales pitch?

In all, ten plagues came down upon Egypt. To make the plagues stop, they hung Haman's ten sons, and then let the Israelites leave.

The Israelites had to rush to leave before King Pharaoh changed his mind. They had to desert Shushan without even a shoeshine. More important, they didn't have enough time to make bread -- all they could make were dry, flat, three-cornered confections, the originals of which have lasted until today as Shmuretaschen.

Of course, King Pharaoh changed his mind -- as rulers often do, but usually only when they're awake. He came after the Israelites with the Egyptian and Shushan armies, requiring at the Red Sea that The Big G use not merely a finger, or even a mighty hand and outstretched arm, but the whole shaking fist of The Big G.

But with Haman's defeat, the Israelites celebrated. They got totally sloshed, but not as much as King Pharaoh's armies did because they showed up late to the party.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who is thrilled to welcome AEPi back to the University of Alabama. For his next magic trick, he will elaborate on Chankippur -- the eight day fastival of light eating. For past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, like facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.