Brookwrite

Feliz Chanukah

by Doug Brook
Southern Jewish Life columnist

'tis the season to wonder how many people realize that the Festival of Lights is actually Chanukah and not Christmas.

Jews try all kinds of things this time of year, though it's sometimes hard to tell if they're trying to blend in or failing to make a distinction.

For example, what would be the actual effect by placing a scene in your front yard depicting the miracle commemorated for eight days starting on the 25th of Kislev... A Neis-Tevet-y Scene?

What good is the image conveyed by the back room dreidel games at Congregation Beit Kessef and Temple Zahavei Tzedek?

It's difficult to find a Jewish place in a Christmas world, especially for the many Jews who grew up not knowing Feliz Navidad from Felix the Cat.

How have some Jews found their way? By writing a significant number of the most famous Christmas songs that the world has ever known. Why did many of them do it? They sell well, so the royalties were good money.

(For those who appended that with, "the most Jewish of reasons," remember that "He knows when you've been bad" came from a song first recorded by Eddie Cantor, so you know who the "He" might also mean. So be good, for goodness sake.)

For years, Jews have bemoaned why there are so many wonderful Christmas songs written by Jews, but they couldn't be bothered to write good Chanukah songs. Taking it a step further, this column wonders why Christians haven't returned the favor, writing any Chanukah songs.

But, they haven't. All that's left is to wonder what might have been. What if that German composer was instead commissioned by a synagogue to write a tribute to that year's major campaign contributor, "Mo Tannenbaum"?

What if Birmingham native Hugh Martin had instead co-penned for "Meet Me in St. Louis" using a different denomination for Judy Garland to croon about, "Have-a Ya a Nagila Chanukah"?

What if in the 1950s the world instead sang:

Spin dreidel, spin dreidel, spin dreidel, rock,
Spin and I'll win, if you don't land Shin,
Lighting and slighting the candles as one,
Now that the spinning game has begun.

It's dreidel time until dinner time,
Rambling and gambling will fill the air,
until Mother's glare.

What a night time, it's latke time,
Then spin the night away,
Yes, dreidel time is a swell time,
To go spinning til the flame's gone away.

Giddy-up dreidel top, don't ever stop,
Dreidel 'round the m'norah,
Nun, hay, shin, 'til gimmel's on top,
As you spin, dreidel, rock...

What if Eartha Kitt had purred her way through a number that was more Maccabean:

Macca Baby, be a good little Maccabee, for me,
Clean up our great Temple
Macca Baby, and light up the Menorah tonight.

Macca Baby, our little kingdom they overthrew, I'm blue,
'til you came to our rescue
Macca Baby, please light up the Menorah tonight.

Think of how the oil you lit
Lasted longer than should have been legit
Next year could be in Jerusalem

If you'd light my candle a bit
Boo doo bee doo

Macca Baby, forgot to mention one little thing, please bring
A gelty pleasure
Macca Baby, just light up my Menorah tonight.

Finally, what if the man behind "The Music Man" had thought he was seeing the advent of a different winter holiday:

It's beginning to look a lot like Chanukah
Two candles aglow;
Next thing it will be five then nine aglowing once again
With gelty coins and latke cakes to go.

It's beginning to look a lot like Chanukah
Light in each Menore
But the prettiest sight to see is the kinder and thee
Dreidlin' on the floor.

With all the stations on XM, Sirius, and Just Kidding radio, one would think these songs would appear eventually. But stay tuned. After all, it's the season of miracles -- including one that lasted eight days.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who awards the ignominious title of the New York Y*nkee of holiday songs to... Feliz Navidad. Barry M*nilow should record it, and probably has. For more information, past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, like facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.